Tom Cruise must be developing a bit of a thick skin to all the criticism he's been getting in his personal and professional knife recently, but the worst has just come – Moby has slammed Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.
That's right – Moby, the tiny bald undernourished-looking techno moron most famous for making an entire album so unutterably bland that he managed to sell every single track to different TV ads, has really stuck it to Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, calling them "grotesque" for putting Suri Cruise on the cover of Vanity Fair.
Now, there's only one outcome to this spat that can benefit anybody at all – Moby and Tom Cruise need to have a boxing match to settle their dispute and hopefully destroy each other forever. Does anyone have Don King's phone number?
For all the problems that Tom Cruise has faced in recent weeks – being effectively sacked from Paramount, having Brooke Shields tell the world that he said sorry for being all weird to her – it's been the events surrounding Suri Cruise that have sucked up most of Tom Cruise's column inches of late. First Suri Cruise was born into a thunderstorm of silence, then given a stupid name and then, once Tom Cruise had gobbled down her placenta, Suri Cruise was hidden away forever.
When this happened, whispers that Suri Cruise didn't exist started to circulate; whispers that not even the holy trinity of David Beckham, Penelope Cruz and the short raspy woman from King Of Queens could cease. Eventually the time came and Suri Cruise pictures were unveiled on the cover of Vanity Fair. Everyone could finally breath a sigh of relief.
Everyone, that is, except for boring vegan hippy techno dullard Moby who – when he isn't making music so boring that intensive care patients try and pull their life support plugs out if they hear it for more than a minute or two – is the second most batshit celebrity blogger after Rosie O'Donnell. And via the medium of his blog, here's what Moby had to say about Tom Cruise, Suri Cruise and Katie Holmes:
“Are you kidding me? Putting your CHILD on the cover of Vanity Fair? Are they out of their minds? Using a child as a p.r. prop?? Argh. In the grand scheme of things fame pales in comparison to family and child-rearing. I don't know Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, but I really cannot for a second fathom the mindset of parents who would sell pictures of their children and use their children to get better press coverage. I'm sorry, I try not to be too judgmental, but it's gross. It just seems fucking grotesque to me, to use your newborn to get press coverage."
Yikes! Moby is really railing at Tom Cruise here! In fact, Moby is so angry at Tom Cruise for putting a picture of Suri Cruise on the front of Vanity Fair that he's planning to base his angriest album yet around it – and first single We Are All Like Some Lovely Trees will bludgeon Tom Cruise with its furious sound of an old black woman warbling about a bucket over some turgid indentikit dinner-party snoozebeats. Or something.
[story by Stuart Heritage]