Miss Universe 2012 Is Crowned, To The Interest of Approximately Zero People

olivia culpoThe 61st annual Miss Universe pageant was held last night in Las Vegas, and Thank God. Without the Miss Universe pageant, the world would never have a truly unbiased answer to the age-old question: Which country has the best T&A? This year, the answer?is America. The winner was Olivia Culpa, a 20-year old, non-transgender,?college student from Rhode Island.

At first, it may seem suspicious that a competition being held in America, with predominantly American judges, and owned by an American and a U.S.-based corporation, would crown an American winner (one of the judges is even a former Miss Rhode Island, just like this year’s winner), but rest assured, Donald Trump says that it’s fair …?and that’s all the?proof anyone should need.

The pageant, which was hosted by Bravo?s Andy Cohen and E!’s Giuliana Rancic, and judged by “celebrities,” including Cee Lo Green, Iron Chef Morimoto, and Kardashian baby daddy and all-around dickhead, Scott Disick, featured 89 plastic-faced beauties proudly representing their home countries.

In the true spirit of democracy, home viewers were encouraged to vote for their favorite contestant during the semi-final round, despite the fact that their votes didn’t actually impact the judge?s final scoring. It’s just fun to feel involved!


The contestents, who must be at least 18 years of age and under 27, having never been married or had children in order to be eligible for the pageant, arrived in Las Vegas two weeks prior to the actual competition … not to perform any specific pageant duties, but primarily as a test?of whether?they could manage two weeks in Vegas without getting married or pregnant. (Few can.)

In the days leading up?to the pageant, cameras captured the lovely?contestents they had various adventures around Sin City, most notably?playing?a hilarious prank on a few unsuspecting hotel guests. For the prank, guests checking into Planet Hollywood, where the pageant was held, were told that there was a mix-up with their reservations and,?to atone for the error, they were being upgraded to a suite. When they arrived at the suite, they were shocked to find it?filled with dozens of?bikini-clad pranksters in pageant sashes.

As with most aspects of the pageant, it was pretty forced and painful to watch. One of the surprised guests was a lone man and he seemed pretty gung-ho. The others just seemed confused and kind of annoyed … especially the dowdy middle-aged women who appeared to be on vacation with her husband and not terribly pleased to have him surrounded by a gaggle of nearly-naked beauty queens.

Overall, the pageant itself was pretty boring and largely unwatchable … as is the case every year … with awkward dance routines, blank-eyed questions-and-answers, and barely-contained fury by the losers.

Highlights?from the live show include a?couple of?small stumbles, even by the eventual winner, though unfortunately no one actually fell down; Donald Trump dressed as a horrible, nightmare-inducing Santa Claus; and?Miss Venezuela’s extremely nutty response to an interview?question, which was clearly the combined result of nerves, speaking in English instead of her native tongue, and?general stupidity.

Hopefully the losers don’t drown their sorrow in the Las Vegas gutters. Each one of them was?lovely and, in the eyes of porn producers everywhere, they’re all winners.



  1. Eugene says

    You mean that Mars lost Miss Universe? How did that happen? Or did The Donald fix the vote again?