Whoever’s in charge of convincing all of us that Miley Cyrus is a sex symbol should be demoted to fluffer. One over-rated MTV appearance and thousands of skimpy Twitter photos later, and only one conclusion can be made: someone edited the definition of “sexy” while everyone else was distracted by Syria.
Ironically, the more skin Miley shows, the less attractive she gets. It’s like The Crying Game, only with less sexual tension and instead of a full grown man under the skirt, there’s a malnourished boy who’s just beginning to notice the hairs springing up in his underpants.
In fact, it’s rumored that one of the head chapters of NAMBLA mistakenly nominated her for “Boy of the Year” until someone realized the goof up and had to remove her from the running. An anonymous member of the group shrugged and commented, “I’d still do her.”
One glaring possibility that no one seems to have the guts to address is the existence of a far-reaching conspiracy being perpetrated by the makers of Viagra to permanently ruin the libido centers of the world’s men.
Actually, that sounds pretty convincing once you say it out loud. Just picture some high-rise office building, where a group of scabby old bastards, tanned faces like the skins of rotten oranges, sit down for a board meeting.
“Earnings are down for the second quarter in a row, gentlemen. What are we going to do about it?” There’s some hemming and hawwing from the end of the table, where a bald old crow with a birthmark the shape of an ice cream cone on his pate absent-mindedly sniffs at the new, strawberry scented batch of pills that was brought up for taste tests.
“What about this Miley Cyrus kid? I know a one-eyed barber who works at the Army base and a guy at MTV.” Case closed.