While parents around the States are crying about Common Core screwing up their kids’ education, a new beacon of hope has appeared in the form of an attractive female albino version of Gollum. Miley Cyrus will single handedly save the minds of our youth with her intellectual twerking and insightful lyrics.
Don’t worry Moms and Dads, you don’t need Shakespeare or Wilde when you have gems like “To my home girls here with the big butt, shaking it like we at a strip club.” Poetry.
Miley Cyrus is on tour for her latest assault to music and our eardrums, otherwise known as her Bangerz album. In true Miley fashion, it is chock full of all the things we’ve come to love from the one former Disney child star who surprisingly hasn’t been to rehab a few times (I’ll throw in the word “yet” since we all know that damn Disney curse is one powerful bitch). There are midgets, camel toes, and STDs galore.
There are a lot of adjectives I could use to describe this Molly driven fest, but one I would certainly not use is “educational.” Seems in Miley’s opinion, I’d be a dead wrong stuffy pants because she feels her shit is DEEP and artistic.
“Even though parents probably won’t think this, I think my show is educational for kids. They’re going to be exposed to art most people don’t know about. People are taught to look at things so black and white, especially in small towns. I’m excited to take this tour to places where [art] like this wouldn’t be accepted, where kids wouldn’t learn about this different kind of art.”
I am pretty sure if parents wanted to expose their children to real art, they’d take away their kid’s Instagram app and force their ass to go to some local museum. Show them that MoMa is not the new slang word for whatever the drug du jour is at the moment. Miley Cyrus’ tongue is no Van Gogh’s “Starry Night.” Shit, I’d even tentatively call the Rolling Stones’ red tongue and mouth logo real art compared to Miley’s hammer licker.
Of course, this seems to be the trend behind all fucking weird ass singers. Instead of just admitting their music is terrible and their shows are created while on some heavy drugs and Easy Cheese, they try and pull the “art” card. Lady Gaga is still trying to pretend wearing a meat dress or walking down a red carpet in an egg is anything other than just stupid. Miley also says that she is molding her tour after the original half nekkid questionably talented singing ho.
“I want to make things look high-end, like something you would see on Madonna‘s tour, but make it feel a lot more young.”
Did Miley just sneak in a little jab at old man hands about her age? If so, I totally take back the Gollum comment. Does this mean Cyrus won’t have grandmothers in G-strings gyrating on boys with pubes younger than her latest face lift? I don’t think Madonna is going to appreciate the ageism. Get ready for an Instagram war, since that seems to be Madonna’s new go to place to show how cool she is.