Miley Cyrus Splits With Justin Gaston, Because God Apparently Hates Love

Miley Cyrus, Justin Gaston, Miley Cyrus Split, Miley Cyrus Justin Gaston splitLove is beautiful. Teenage love is magical. The love between a teenage girl and an adult underwear model is, um…

Oh, what’s the word we’re looking for? Creepy? Doomed to failure? Yes, either of those will probably do, actually. Because, readers, we’re sorry to report that Miley Cyrus and Justin Gaston – the Posh and Becks of obnoxious teenage millionaires and uncomfortably older, professionally nude men – have split up. It’s on Twitter and everything.

It’s sad news, but it’s not completely bad. At least this way we know that Miley Cyrus’s next album will sound like bloody Joy Division or something.

Let’s get one thing clear right away. Miley Cyrus is no stranger to heartbreak. There’s the heartbreak of sacrificing a normal childhood to pursue fame and wealth. There’s the heartbreak of seeing every one of her adolescent flaws magnified by the world’s media. There’s the heartbreak of being seen out in public with her father and the facial hair he’s obviously styled on an old lady’s genitalia.

It’s true – just look at the titles of some Miley Cyrus songs: Let’s Get Crazy, Girl’s Night Out, Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah. If they’re not crystallised expressions of profound emotional torment, we don’t know what are. And it’s good that Miley Cyrus has this affinity with heartbreak, because the greatest romance of her entire life has just come to an end.

No, not the romance that Miley Cyrus had with that Jonas Brother, the other one. No, not the romance that Miley Cyrus clearly has with herself, the other other one. You know, the one with Justin Gaston – the 20-year-old underwear model who started going out with Miley Cyrus when she was 15. The love they had for one another was deep and pure and intense and we couldn’t think about it for more than 10 seconds without jumping into a bath and scrubbing ourselves clean with wire wool.

We’re not sure what Miley Cyrus and Justin Gaston had in common – although we’re willing to guess that it was either a shared love of inappropriate disrobing or the fact that they both loved how rich Miley Cyrus was – but it doesn’t matter any more. As People reports, Miley Cyrus and Justin Gaston have called it quits:

In recent days, Miley Cyrus and Justin Gaston have taken to their separate Twitter pages with messages of woe. “Tears are words the heart can’t express,” Cyrus, 16, wrote Sunday night. Gaston, 20, tweeted the next morning, “How many tears are in there? They’ve gotta run out soon, right?… No official reason has been given for the breakup.

Wow, Justin, that was cold. The poor girl’s clearly distraught over all of this, and the best you can do is openly hope that she dies of dehydration? Looks like someone was in the wrong queue when God was handing out compassion. Admittedly the queue he ended up in was the queue for dreamy eyes and rock-hard abs and hair so thick you could fall asleep in it, but… hang on, what was our point again? Oh, never mind.

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