We don’t know what’s more surprising – the fact that Miley Cyrus has written an autobiography or the fact that it’s not written in wax crayon.

Oh, we’re joking. After all, Miley Cyrus is 16, so she’s got over an entire decade of bittersweet life lessons to share with the world – you know, about potty training and riding a bike without stabilisers and whatnot.

Anyway, at this rate volume two of the autobiography will be released when Miley Cyrus is 32, and she’s bound to have been through a couple of drug problems by then. So at least that one will be interesting.

Look, we know that the thought of 16-year-old Miley Cyrus writing an autobiography seems ridiculous – we’ve already gone into detail on the subject once before – but, on reflection, it makes perfect sense.

Sure, Miley Cyrus is young, but she’s managed to pack more into her short time on Earth than the rest of us put together. While you’ve spent the last couple of years poking around at spreadsheets inside a depressingly strip-lit office full of people you can’t stand, what has Miley Cyrus done?

We’ll tell you what she’s done – Miley Cyrus has become a megastar, had number one TV shows, albums and movies, hired out all of Dineyland for her birthday, got semi-naked in both an amateur and professional capacity, started going out with a knicker model that’s like twice her age and grossly offended an entire subcontinent. At best you’ve only done one, possibly two of those things.

So with that in mind, it’s clear that Miley Cyrus has got a lot of stories to tell. And, as it’s becoming depressingly clear, being a globally famous megastar can be really sad. MSNBC reports:

In the pages of her first book, “Miles to Go,” Cyrus [says] “Most of the time you see me smiling — I mean that’s how I got my name! — but that’s not what it’s all about. Everyone goes through hardships and heartbreaks,” she says. Before she became Hannah Montana, Cyrus writes, she had to endure daily hazing from bullies in sixth grade, who did everything from stealing her books to locking her in the school bathroom.

See? Some children were quite mean to Miley Cyrus once a third of her life ago. You couldn’t possibly understand heartache like that, you callous sods. And the bullying was completely unprovoked, too – Miley Cyrus was picked on despite being a talented, pretty, funny daughter of Billy Ray Cyru… oh, now we see why Miley Cyrus was bullied. Actually that sort of makes sense.

Incidentally, there’s really not much point in buying Miley Cyrus’ autobiography. From what we’ve heard she doesn’t even explain why her voice got so weird. Seriously Miley, either you got karate-chopped in the neck as a toddler or someone once fed you hot tar. You have to tell us which one’s right.

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