A correction – yesterday we said that the Teen Choice Awards were the worst thing on Earth. We were wrong.
They’re the best thing on Earth. And we have Miley Cyrus to thank. Miley Cyrus performed Party In The USA at the Teen Choice Awards. While poledancing. On an ice cream cart. In a tiny pair of shorts. In front of children.
Miley’s routine has sparked outrage from parents. They’re not concerned that she’ll turn their impressionable children into poledancers, though – they’re worried that they’ll grow up to release a song as woeful as Party In The USA. And rightly so.
When you’re 16, you want to be an adult more than anything else on Earth. But in that rush to grow up, you rarely stop to enjoy being 16. You know, with all the the furtive masturbation, near-terminal acne, epic forests of bumfluff and catastrophic awkwardness that comes with it. And these are all things that Miley Cyrus risks missing out on – or at least she would if she didn’t have unusually clear skin, zero facial hair, the self-confidence of a cocaine-addled advertising copywriter and more money than you will ever see in your entire lifetime.
The point is, Miley Cyrus is desperate to be an adult. And there’s nothing wrong with that – in fact, it makes perfect business sense. Her tween fanbase is growing up, and if she doesn’t grow up with them, she runs the risk of essentially becoming a Chuckle Brother.
And that’s why Miley Cyrus has been gradually starting to do a number of perfectly normal things that adults do, like posing sort of topless in magazines with her dad and dragging her heels about her phenomenally successful kid’s TV show and getting a much older boyfriend who models knickers for a living.
And on Sunday at the Teen Choice Awards, Miley Cyrus reached the culmination of her transformation – she decided to entertain the assembled children by poledancing for them. Look…
It’s disgusting, isn’t it? Honestly, ripping off a band as crappy as the Red Hot Chili Peppers in such a flagrant way. Miley Cyrus should be ashamed. And we’re not the only ones upset by this performance. Parents are clamouring to express their outrage at the poledance and, according to Newdsay, so is child psychologist Wendi Fischer:
“She’s sending this message that this is ‘OK’ to do, and I don’t think it is OK to do. Miley’s only 16. Why is she rushing it?”
But we suspect that this outrage is all part of Miley’s grand career plan. Every time she goes out and does something like this, she slightly alters the public’s perception of her. It’s a little like what Britney Spears did when she transformed from a naughty schoolgirl into a fully-grown strumpet a few years ago. Miley Cyrus is just following the blueprint.
Admittedly it’s a blueprint that’ll result in Miley Cyrus, red-eyed and shaven-headed, smashing a car to pieces with an umbrella until she gets sectioned against her will, but you can’t say you weren’t expecting that to happen anyway, can you?
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melanie says
Can we just skip to the part where she gets sectioned against her will by her parents, and then comes back as a cleaned up but totally bland and chemically-tranquilized version of herself?
Eugene says
It’s an interesting quandry — To risk turning off your existing fanbase by not doing the same old thing and “growing up”, or keep trying to do the same thing for too long and looking ridiculous when your fans grow up themselves and abandon you.
Or, if you don’t pull off your “growing up” properly, both!
Kristen says
Ummmm…where exactly does she “pole dance”? I see a singer standing on top of an ice cream cart holding onto a pole for stability as the cart moves. As a mother of three girls (admittedly a liberal mom), I see absolutely NOTHING offensive with Miley’s routine here.
Shooty* says
I agree, and I for one am extremely disappointed ;)
Joann says
A singer on a supporting herself on a pole? I’m sorry but that’s like saying, “Cult? That’s no cult, those are just perfectly grown men expressing their love for clean white sheets and burning crosses.” No. Take this coming from another perfectly average 16 year old girl, no one her own age likes Miley Cyrus, and if there is one hopeless loser who does, they should be declared mentally unstable.
halo says
i think the issue people have is their little girls (under 12) are idealizing her. I see your point but admittedly if i were a parent I would stop buying my kid MC stuff after this. Its nothing other than a $$$ vote.
I want my kids, girls especially, to see themselves as something other than boobies and sex. That’s the real reason why MC will end up exactly Britney Spears. Its all about sex and money – no brain, no reason, and no common sense.
Sad really