Still trying to remind the world that she ain’t Hannah Montana ya’ll, Miley Cyrus is on the cover of this month’s Rolling Stone magazine shirtless, hugging her mini chicken cutlet tots and rocking her ghetto approved gold chains. Oh, and sticking her tongue out. Because we haven’t seen that shit way too much already.
With her dripping raccoon eyes screaming “Who needs sleep when you can do Molly and twerk?” Cyrus is doing her best Courtney Love meets Robyn impression on the cover while dropping more of her brilliance inside. And she still isn’t any closer to earning everyone’s respect.
Miley Cyrus still thinks it’s ridiculous anyone was hating on her VMA performance. She especially thinks it’s laughable people were making fun of her mushy pancake ass, because she wasn’t trying to look good. If she was, she would have been hot as shit.
“I wasn’t trying to be sexy. If I was trying to be sexy, I could have been sexy. I can dance a lot better than I was dancing. People are like, ‘Miley thinks she’s a black girl, but she’s got the flattest ass ever.’ I’m like, I’m 108 pounds! I know! Now people expect me to come out and twerk with my tongue out all the time. I’ll probably never do that shit again.”
So, she purposely looked bad and danced like a sorority girl drunk on cheap jungle juice? Not buying that, but one can appreciate Cyrus trying to cover her ass. Also like how she says that she won’t be sticking her tongue out anymore and yet, here is the cover.
Cyrus also tries to name drop a bunch of black rappers to show just how accepted she really is in the hip hop community. And as proof that she doesn’t just use black people as props in her videos and performances, they are her friends! Of course, when one of the people you mention to try and up your creative street cred is Kanye West, you have to take it with a huge ass grain of salt.
“He came in and goes, ‘There are not a lot of artists I believe in more than you right now.’ The whole room went quiet. I was like, ‘Yo – can you say that again?!’ I just kept repeating that over and over in my mind, and it made me not nervous. Kanye is the shit. I kind of have a good relationship with him now. It’s good to have someone you can call and be like, ‘Yo, do you think I should wear this?’ ‘Do you think I should go in the studio with this guy?’ ‘Do you think this is cool?’ That’s what homies are supposed to do.”
Homies. Really, Miley? We are talking about the guy who just said he is more prolific than Michael Jackson, so no one is holding too much stock in his opinion of good artists. And we’re not even getting into how West is not one to be giving life advice to anyone, given quite a few of his life choices. Cyrus then also shares a text from Pharrell Williams that she just happens to get during the interview.
“The VMAs was nothing more than God or the Universe showing you how powerful anything you do is,” he says at one point. “It’s like uranium – it has the power to take over lives or power entire countries. Now that you’ve seen your power, master it.”
“You’re not a train wreck,” he says later. “You’re the train pulling everyone else along.”
Yes, God definitely has nothing else better to do with his time than to throw Miley Cyrus on stage with a foam finger and some pedobears to show her how awesome she is. Fuck war and famine, white girls twerking is the biggest issue that needs to be addressed in this world! It actually sounds more likely that Pharrell was on some peyote type shit. And let’s be honest, I think he really meant that Cyrus needs to be train-ed. By him. And maybe Kanye.
You do have to give Miley a little invisible high five though for throwing a little shade at Justin Beiber. She brings up the fact that Beiber has gone from adorable talented kid to teenage douchebag quite quickly, and she is trying to help him not become a total hot mess.
“I’m not much older than him, so I never want it to feel like I’m mentoring him. But I do mentor him in a way. Because I’ve been doing this shit for a long time, and I already transitioned, and I don’t think he’s quite done it yet, he’s trying really hard. People don’t take him seriously, but he really can play the drums, he really can play guitar, he really can sing.
I just don’t want to see him fuck that up, to where people think he’s Vanilla Ice. I tell him that. Like, ‘You don’t want to become a joke. When you go out, don’t start shit. Don’t come in shirtless.’ But the thing is, I think boys are, like, seven years behind. So in his head, he’s really, like, 12.”
Well, Beiber definitely has the tiny nipples of a 12 year old boy, so I see that point. But just like the world can side eye Kanye West telling Cyrus that he believes in her as an artist, the world can also side eye Cyrus telling Beiber that he’s trying too hard and don’t be a fuck up.
Pot meet kettle.