Thanks to the economy, you probably now live under a park bench existing on nothing but rain – but, hey, look at the lovely time Miley Cyrus is having!
This week saw Miley Cyrus celebrate her 16th birthday in Disneyland. That is to say, all of Disneyland. Miley Cyrus’ parents hired out all of Disneyland for Miley, invited thousands of guests and then lit up the Californian dusk with a firework display of epic proportions.
As great as that sounds, there was a sour edge to the weekend as well – Miley’s dad Billy Ray Cyrus insisted on performing Achy Breaky Heart to the assembled guests. So, while your parents never did anything as ostentatious as renting out Disneyland for your 16th birthday, at least you can relax in the knowledge that a pouting vagina-faced idiot didn’t nause everything up by singing the world’s worst song in the middle of it either. Yours was better.
Birthdays are the perfect time to reflect on your achievements. For instance, on our last birthday we reflected on the continued onset of male pattern baldness, our expanding paunch, the slow loss of elasticity in our facial tissue and the fact that we were successfully able to take another hopeless stride towards our inevitable death.
Miley Cyrus has a lot to reflect on, too – in the last year she’s released a blockbuster movie, posed for a set of sort-of naked photos for a glossy magazine and got herself romantically involved with a grown-up. But there’s a pretty good chance that Miley Cyrus didn’t actually pay much attention to any of that yesterday, because she was too busy gonking around on Space Mountain like a giddy toddler smashed off her face on artificial preservatives.
No doubt inspired by the gauche peacocking of My Super Sweet 16, the parents of Miley Cyrus yesterday decided to rent out the whole of Disneyland for Miley’s birthday. The whole of Disneyland. What did you get for your 16th? A family trip to the Wimpy? Ha – Miley Cyrus is so much better than you. AP reports:
The theme park was closed for the supersized soiree, which included a four-song performance by the teen queen and a fireworks display above Sleeping Beauty Castle and 16 giant inflatable candles. “Miley is really hard to surprise,” her father Billy Ray Cyrus said at the event.
Hard to surprise? Miley Cyrus shouldn’t be that hard to surprise – she’s lived her whole life in a sort of megarich celebrity bubble, so surprising her should be easy. Give her a shellsuit or a Saturday job at Primark, that’d probably do the trick.
We’re just kidding – of course Billy Ray Cyrus and his mysterious unnamed wife want the best for Miley Cyrus, and this should be reflected in their choice of birthday party for her, which we hear has a special ‘please don’t cut us off financially when you turn 18, we beg of you’ theme.
Anyway, this is probably all a bit premature, because Miley Cyrus doesn’t even turn 16 until November 23. Her actual birthday will be marked with a far more intimate affair – we hear Billy Ray Cyrus plans to send a giant nuclear-powered robot into space to punch the sun out for her or something.
magnetite says
Birthday tannoy announcement:
“Party guests. Mr. Cyrus will now play his world-famous song. Armed Disney characters are on hand at all the exits to prevent you from leaving. You are permitted one scream of hopeless despair each. These are non-transferable.”
Can we make this December 16th ‘Let’s Hunt And Kill Billy Ray Cyrus Day’ for what would have been Bill Hicks’ 47th birthday? We owe him that TV show of his in tribute. Too much? Okay, his 50th then.
euclid says
When I turned six my parents
rented Madison Square Garden for my birthday
so that I could learn to ride a pony,
but the wheels on my cart
[I was born without legs and require a cart in order to get around) squeaked,
and the pony became frightened,
sadly trampling my father to death, right there
before my young and hopeful eyes.
I will never forget my father’s proud face
as he lay there in the pony-muck, blood,
and broken teeth, hugging me with his
grey eye (only one remained) as if to ask
“Did you like your present?”
Of course it was a wonderful day, for I knew right then
that it was only a matter of a short dozen years
before his entire empire would fall into my gnarled,
misshapen hands, affording my limitless opportunity
to wreak havoc upon the heartless ponies and children
who had so oft delighted in taunting me as I wheeled
past lo these many years (6).
In fact, reading this boring story reminded me of that,
the happiest day of my life, up until that point, though
a pointless day in retrospect. I become choked up
at the very memory of it, my tattered bloody birthday suit,
my crumpled, ruined lifeless father, the look of quiet
knowing in the pony’s teary brown eye, the shrieks of my dear
mother as she discovered her snifter to be as empty
as the rest of her life, the sickly sweet smells of death and popcorn
mingling with the sawdust, grease paint and urban grime
to form a not quite succulent perfume that reminds me now,
as ever, of the importance of choosing the proper venue.
It was a day, like this, that I shall never forget.
Brittany says
Wow…you have to much time on your hands.
Btw…it’s *anYthing* not anthing.
Ally says
First off, if you’re going to write an article, you should get your facts straight. And if you think i’m another 12 year old fan, let me assure you i’m not. I am, however, friends with the cyrus’s, and therefore know way more about their family then you will ever have access too.
You would think as someone who is writing about the entertainment industry you would know what it means to be an employee of Disney. Miley’s parents did not rent out Disneyland for her birthday, Disney did. Billy-Ray did not insist on performing at this, Disney did. And The Cyrus’s did not decide to sell tickets to this, DISNEY DID. You fail to mention that Disney donated a million dollars to the charity Miley supports. and maybe you don’t know that Miley sends more money to charities every year than you will see in a life time. She just doesn’t brag about it like many people.
I also find it funny that they only quote you have in here is from another biased article. I’m assuming, Stuart, that this is what you do for a living, so i don’t find it hard to believe that you waste your time writing biased articles intended to attack a girl a fourth of your age. That’s just sad. But maybe in the future you could actually do what they would have taught you in college had you gone or payed any attention: At least SOUND educated on your topic.
Lastly, The Cyrus family is an amazing family and it’s unfortunate that people like you think they know them when all you know is what you read in other people’s articles, hear on the news, and see in the magazines. Were you ever taught that the media isn’t exactly the most reliable source? YOU DON”T KNOW THESE PEOPLE.
Seriously.. get a real job, or at least learn to do your job better. Or if that’s too difficult, stop making a living on tarnishing the names of people you don’t have the first clue about.
magnetite says
You ARE going to have to lose the beard now – if it makes you look 64. I blame Sky.
J Bollocks says
What? lose the beard? Think about the Japanese market for bearded-clams. With a little spruiking, we’re talking millions.
Hamish says
I agree with Miley’s friend Ally. I as a matter of fact was one of the ride attendents who actually worked at Disneyland when this so called “Miley hired out the whole of Disneyland” happened.Don’t write horrible
thing about someone when you don’t have any idea about the facts. We, Disney hired it out for her, as well as donated money to her biggest charity JUST BECAUSE of Miley. So she actually did something fantastic without wanting any recognition at all. She is one of the nicest people I have ever been lucky enough to meet. Enough with all this reporter rubbish.