Miley Cyrus: Condom Salesman Extraordinaire?

We’re so jealous of Miley Cyrus. She poses in a wet T-shirt on the internet and becomes a sensation - we do the same outside a greengrocers and we get arrested.

It isn’t on, really. And what’s more, a company has just offered Miley Cyrus a million dollars to become the face of its condom range. We’re so angry! Don’t these people know that becoming the face of a range of condoms is our sole life’s aim? We’d be so much better at stopping amorous couples from getting pregnant than stupid Miley Cyrus.

Or maybe not. In retrospect, getting Miley Cyrus to advertise contraception would be just about the best way to promote teen abstinence - imagine the phrase ‘coated with a tingling lubricant’ intoned in Miley Cyrus’ ancient emphysemic shriek. When would that make you want to have sex again? Never, that’s when.

Companies hitching their wagon to a prominent celebrity in order to get themselves noticed is nothing new. Most times it fails miserably - what’s that Dr Pepper? Everyone gets a free can when Guns N’ Roses release their new album? Wow, shitty music AND some funny-tasting brown muck, both at the same time? Thanks! - but occasionally it doesn’t.

But this hasn’t stopped LifeStyles Condoms from having a bash - the company has apparently offered Miley Cyrus $1 million to become the company’s spokeswoman.

OK, maybe ‘offered’ is a strong word. Chances are that it actually just stuck a pin in the internet, found the least appropriate possible candidate for a condom spokeswoman and bashed out a quick press release that mentioned Miley Cyrus a lot in the cynical hope that bored bloggers would pick up on it because it’s a quiet news day.

Well, it worked. Congratulations LifeStyles Condoms, it worked. Just don’t expect Miley Cyrus to be so quick to bite, partly because she’s too busy apologising for things we don’t understand, but mostly because you haven’t actually asked her yet have you? Idiots. E! Online reports:

“We never received an offer, nor would she consider the offer,” her rep tells E! News.

Of course Miley Cyrus would never consider an offer to be a condom spokewoman. There are billions of reasons why she wouldn’t. For example:

1) Miley Cyrus is 15 years old, which is just creepy.

2) As the daughter of a country singer, Miley Cyrus won’t ever need to use a condom. Not when she’s got her daddy’s ancestral hollowed-out raccoon tail to use.

3) Miley Cyrus still wants to remake Sex And The City for kids. If she’s also endorsing condoms it’ll be difficult for her to get away with the old ‘accidental pregnancy followed by a harrowing visit to a backstreet abortionist’ storyline.

See? Billions of reasons.