A few weeks ago when Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher got engaged, a lot of people (including myself) started dropping the “b” word because we just couldn’t understand why Kunis would be idiotic enough to get married to a dude who blatantly couldn’t keep it in his pants during his last marriage. They refused to come right out and deny that Mila was indeed knocked up, which 99% of the time in Hollywood is the passive way of saying “yes.”
But now an “anonymous source” has come out and said that yup, Kutcher Ashton’ed in Mila’s Kunis and soon the world will be blessed with a baby created by Jackie and Kelso.
You know Demi Moore was probably trying to get Ashton Kutcher to fill her womb when they were married, just to reinforce the whole “I AM NOT OLD!!” obsession she has had for the last few years. You know there is no better way to convince people you’re not a crotchety old biddy than by showing everyone you still get your period and have a useable uterus. But since Ashton Kutcher couldn’t stop himself from banging almost young enough to be his daughter, he likely didn’t want to end up with a daughter of his own.
When Mila started casually showing the rock on her ring finger last month, it made a lot of people wonder if they were getting married for love, or for some archaic idea that only married people should be having babies (As a point of rebuttal- Jon and Kate Gosselin, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, Tommy Lee and Pam Anderson). Then Mila agreed to appear on the way past its prime Two and a Half Men alongside Kutcher, so we all assumed it HAD to be love because there was no other explanation as to why the broad who was in Black Swan winning mad accolades would be on this shitty ass CBS show.
Now it kind of makes sense for Kunis to be making such questionable decisions, her brain is not itself. It’s being weakened by the tiny human parasite growing inside of her, leeching all of her smarts and emotional stability. Now, neither Kunis or Kutcher have actually come out and confirmed this, but an “anonymous source” who is supposedly close to the couple did for them by going to E!.
Kunis is pregnant with the couple’s first child, a source confirms exclusively to E! News just weeks after being first to report that the former That ’70s Show co-stars were planning to tie the knot.
The Ted star was even recently spotted attending a prenatal yoga class in Hollywood.
Yoga. Because when you’re bloated, gassy, and your heart feels like it’s being touched by Satan himself, all you want to do is get in downward facing dragon or whatever. Freaking celebrities.