With Katy Perry dumping John Mayer’s douchey ass this week, I was hoping the flood gates would open and a ton more celebrities would end their crappy relationships. However, instead of following suit and losing the 185 pounds of talentless creeper dick she’s been carrying around, Mila Kunis has decided to gain 2 ounces on her left hand and get engaged to Ashton Kutcher.
So who is going to put together the pool for when these two blow up Hiroshima style, if they even make it down the aisle at all? Because I got $50 on 11 months of marriage, with some bonus money on Kutcher’s naked ass ending up all over the National Enquirer with some Hooter’s waitress.
It seems like just yesterday Ashton Kutcher was robbing the AARP directory and making cougars everywhere hoot and holler by marrying Demi Moore. They were the face of a new type of Hollywood power couple, and for quite a few years it worked. But then Ashton couldn’t keep his dick in his pants, or at least in his wife, and was caught cheating. Multiple times. And with very upscale 3rd rate waitresses at that. So, they eventually got divorced and stopped following each other on Twitter, and the last few people who found the guy who used to play Kelso on That 70s Show hot were forever turned off.
Not too long after all of this went down, Kutcher was seen hanging out with former T.V. girlfriend, Mila Kunis. Kunis had been dating Macaulay Culkin for what it seemed like forever, but then she got tired of being a d-list actress still banging the guy who played Richie Rich. As soon as she dropped the 90s baggage, she blew up in the movies, got super hot, and was everywhere. Suddenly, Mila decided to go from a guy who peaked in 1995 to a guy who peaked in 2005.
It’s been 2 years now, and we all kept waiting to hear that Kunis wised the fuck up and realized being in a relationship with the guy from Dude, Where’s My Car? was stupid as shit (Not as stupid as that movie, or Ashton’s trucker hat phases. That shit was stuuuuupid). But nope, instead they have come to realize that what they really want in life isn’t fidelity, or intelligent conversation. It’s lawyers on retainer, court battles, and passive aggressive post-split interviews. How romantic. And incredibly fucking stupid.
Well, I guess now it’s time for “Bump Watch 2014″ to begin. Ugh baby Ashton Kutchers. Terrible.