hecklerspray knows all about crushes. Oh, wait, hang on. Let us rephrase that. We should have said 'we know all about crushes that grow into obsession that invariably ends with the object of one's desire storming away in a fit of humiliating rejection.'

That's right. None of that cutesy, lovey-dovey 'attracting a partner' stuff for us. Nah… in fact, we like our women like we like our coffee. Doused in boiling water. 

Yes. You guessed it. We're lonely. So very tired and lonely. But luckily someone – and even better than someone, a goshdarn special famous celebrity - knows exactly how we feel… Mike Tyson.

The fist-punching dullard – who's, like, really good at hitting people and, er, stuff – has apparently developed something of a fixation for Big Brother contestant and all-round blonde dimwit Aiselyne.

Mike Tyson fancying Aiselyne? That's pretty humiliating… although there are a couple of ways it could be worse. A) Mikey-boy could have found himself feeling attracted to new contestant Jayne - which would mean harbouring romantic notions for a woman who looks like she's wolfed down more pies than a busload of hungry Wigan FC supporters (special 'lard-arse' division).

And B) What with Mike Tyson being all rich and famous, and Aiselyne being all hideously shallow and superficial, shouldn't a hook-up between the two prove to be remarkably easy?

Well, no. Mike Tyson has reportedly been bombarding production company Endemol with endless requests for a datey-wate. They've ignored him. They've also nixed his attempts to send flowers into the house – although, to be honest, chances are that supremely arrogant Jayne would assume that the gift was for her. Before figuring out some way she could eat it.

We say: never mind, Mike. Come sit on uncle hecklerspray's knee. See, you have to learn that feelings like this are transitory and fleeting, half-murmured romantic daydreams that flutter through one's heart before dissipating into a bittersweet haze.

Or, to put it another way: if you really want to poke a bird like Aiselyne. just head down to any Yates Wine Lodge on a Friday night. You'll be in Burberry-clad hog heaven.

So, readers? What do YOU think? Maybe something along the lines of "OMG, OMG, what da fuk, Aiselyne is like a ghetto skank LOL LOL LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!." Or possibly "Pete is well fit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Do let us know.

Read More:

Mike Tyson's Aiselyne Crush - Female First

[story by C J Davies]