Last night, after weeks and weeks of varied and challenging Apprentice tasks – like selling fruit, selling cars, selling flats, selling pizzas and selling clothes – Michelle Dewberry became the latest of Sir Alan Sugar's Apprentice.
Quite what job Michelle Dewberry will be given by Alan Sugar after winning The Apprentice is unclear, but let's hope for her sake that she isn't put in charge of flogging those shitty-looking animatronic Alan Sugar Big Mouth Billy Bass rip-off heads that Alan Sugar keeps punting around like a grubby market trader.
The final of The Apprentice took place last night, and it was hyped as The TV Event Of The Year by that GMTV fool. The last episode of The Apprentice was the battle of the broads – Ruth Badger Vs Michelle Dewberry, the master saleswoman Vs the quiet all-rounder, the enormous angry lesbian Vs the dead-eyed killing machine. And boy oh boy, did Sir Alan Sugar ever have a testing challenge for Michelle and Ruth.
It was the Apprentice task to end all Apprentice tasks, it was the biggest challenge that Michelle Dewberry and Ruth Badger would ever face, it was… well, it was the exact same task as in last year's Apprentice final to be honest, but in a cramped corridor instead of on a boat. Michelle and Ruth both had to put on an event on Tower Bridge, according to Sir Alan the "greatest location in London." So speaks a man who's obviously never down the arcades at the Trocadero…
In a moment of inspired genius, after Sir Alan Sugar told Michelle and Ruth that the event could be anything. A James Bond night, a Moulin Rouge night – anything. So it was obviously a total coincidence that Michelle Dewberry decided to put on a James Bond night while Ruth Badger chose to do a Murder Mystery night… until Sir Alan called her up and barked at her to switch it to a Moulin Rouge night, at least.
The task went by with much of the same old shtick that makes The Apprentice so watchable – basically seeing a group of hateful arseholes being self-servingly hateful to the everyone they meet. Syed obsessed about the pronounciation of the words 'Aston Martin' instead of selling tickets, Paul called Syed a "cock," Jo babbled and shrieked like a sugared-up diabetic baby and Tuan kept describing the event to bewildered passers-by as "bonkers" like Prince William trying to appear street to a bunch of homeless teenagers.
In the end, though, the task was pointless. Sir Alan Sugar – incidentally, have you ever seen one of those crappy-looking email telephones used anywhere outside of The Apprentice? – had already made his mind up. Like most bosses, Alan Sugar's idea of a good employee is anyone who reminds him a bit of himself. So Michelle Dewberry – with her working-class background, ridiculous work ethic and troubled upbringing – got the nod over Ruth Badger, the go-it-alone lesbian destruction machine.
So Michelle Dewberry is The Apprentice and is destined for a life of answering the question "What? Amstrad? The company that makes that rubbish facelift mask-thing?" Still, it's a step up from her old job (in short, every time you've been called by an Indian call centre employee who can't pronounce your name – that's Michelle's fault). And now the Alan Sugar Apprentice is done and dusted, BBC2 can hurry up and broadcast the Donald Trump Apprentice – a show which outclasses the British version in every mind-bogglingly ridiculous way you can think of.
Also – is it just us or does anyone else think Michelle and Syed were, you know, doing it?
Read more:
Ex-Cashier Wins TV's Apprentice – BBC
[story by Stuart Heritage]