Michael Phelps Gets Suspended For Being A Stinking Hippy
For a second there it looked like Michael Phelps had got away with his bong-smoking exploits, didn’t it?
Well, he hasn’t. Although the IOC has forgiven Michael Phelps for smoking pot at a student house party, USA Swimming has been a little bit tougher on him, slapping him with a three-month ban.
In effect, this means that Michael Phelps will have to spend 12 of the coldest weeks of the year far away from a freezing swimming pool, while wearing more than just a tiny pair of Speedos. We don’t know how the poor boy’s going to cope, we really don’t.
Everyone knows that Michael Phelps is a winner. He’s the greatest Olympian of all time, his dedication to training is unfathomable and the fact that he’s managed it while looking like the distressed offspring of Brundlefly and Peter Beardsley surely puts him in the league of the greats.
And if you need any more proof of what a winner Michael Phelps is, just go and visit him at the beginning of May. Not only will Michael Phelps know more about daytime TV than anyone else on Earth, but he’ll have also memorised the Dominos Pizza delivery leaflet off by heart and become the world champion of looking exactly like Fat Orson Welles.
Yes, the inevitable has happened. Following this weekend’s photos of him smoking a bong at a party in house decorated by a blind tramp from the 1970s, Michael Phelps has been banned from competition for three months by USA Swimming. It could have been a lot worse – had the IOC decided not to accept his apology like it did, the ban could have been for anything up to two years – but the three-month ban is still going to sting.
After all, what’s going to stop other aspiring swimmers from freakishly beefing themselves up and winning eight Olympic gold medals of their own in the next three months? Nothing, that’s what. Yahoo reports:
“This is not a situation where any anti-doping rule was violated, but we decided to send a strong message to Michael because he disappointed so many people, particularly the hundreds of thousands of USA Swimming member kids who look up to him as a role model and a hero,” the federation said in a statement.
But it gets worse for Michael Phelps – not only is an over-zealous local sheriff threatening to arrest him, presumably because this is the most exciting thing to happen on his turf since Old Man McDingle got his pickup stuck in a ditch in the summer of 78, but he’s also starting to lose sponsorship deals, too.
And which company has decided that Michael Phelps no longer fits its image? Visa? Speedo? Omega? AT&T? No – Kellogg. That’s right, the company that would have gone bust decades ago if it weren’t for all the potheads eating bowl after bowl of dry Frosties in their dressing gowns at 3pm is no longer endorsing Michael Phelps because he may have inhaled some marijuana once. What next – will Phelps lose his valued Hacky Sack sponsorship, too?
But anyway, we’re sure that Michael Phelps will come back harder than ever after his suspension time to prove the world wrong. It’s just like Rocky, if Rocky had been about a champion boxer who got shitfaced on drugs and ended up spending quarter of a year sitting in his pants watching I Dream Of Jeannie DVD boxsets all the time.
If I were him, I’d be telling that sheriff that I was smoking that Apple Tobacco (or mint, or Cappuccino etc) that you can order in a shisha bar.
http://www.hookahkings.com/shisha-bars-cafes-and-lounges-to-the-city-let-us-off-the-hookah/info_25.html
Dressing gown? Bunch of girls.
Michael Phelps is an American Hero. He stood tall and made America proud at the Beijing Olympics. This is how America treats its heroes, we forget all of the hard work Michael Phelps did to achieve his task, we forget the pride we felt with the each gold medal, we forget how Phelps helped America to be competitive against a Chinese when they planned on winning all of the gold’s, we forget all of those things and hang a man for smoking a glass pipe at a college party. It is time that we as a country stand up for the rights of the individual, it’s time we stand together with our neighbors and take collective control of our destinies. Write a congressman or a senator any of them; Imagine the weight of millions of emails calling for a change in policy. In this moment in America anything is possible just Google the email address of your representative and send him or her short email. It will take 10 minutes but then you have taken responsibility for change. A senator considers each email as representative of 2 thousand voters.
SunflowerPipes.com
This article is stupid. Everyone knows that hippies can’t swim.
That’s why they frolic in the mud. Anyway, I’ve already burned all
my Michael Phelps records. Because he is a hypocrite. Being all
swimmy for the kids and then all smokey for his friends. He is setting
a bad example for all the children without any talent who spend
their days hanging out at the mall scarfing crap fast food, playing Nintendo
and making fart jokes. Now who will they look up to, who? He has
RUINED America.
Mohammed Ali never got caught using a bong. And he is an American hero!
(Except for that whole being black and muslim thing).
Hulk Hogan never got caught using a bong. (Did he? Anyway, he’s AN AMERICAN Hero!)
Secretariat never got caught using a bong. (And he was a HORSE and AN AMERICAN HERO!!! and had a pet chicken. It’s true.)
Good thing we all have cameras in our phones now so we can
see the real truth of what is going on. That whole privacy thing was
just an EXCUSE to have SECRETS. Now we can have No More Secrets™.
And no more disappointed mall rats, because everyone will just
stay inside where they belong not out on the streets at private parties
being all swimmy and smokey and world recordy.
I think euclid’s comment is unfair. He didn’t ask to be famous.
It happened to him. He is a classic victim of his own success.
I mean Phelps, not euclid. (Just to clarify.) Because all that happened
was he worked insanely hard for his entire life, smashed a bunch
of world records, won mitloads of gold and partied with friends. (P not e.) [cl.]
That’s so unfair! If he had just stayed at home and melted his brain (chilled)
huffing glue, we wouldn’t have this problem, but we do because he didn’t and now this whole mess happened to him (P not e) and the whole entire world
is crying. I know several children in Japan and the Philippines and they are ALL
CRYING. Their PILLOWS ARE WET. Soaked from the tears of crying and crying. Some are even dangerously dehydrated! And Angelina Jolie can not help them in time! They are becoming thin and crispy. Crispy children because of the
Horrible Disappointment that he did this (P not e). It is ONE SMALL MIRACLE that the world did not just stop rotating, in which case we would have drifted out into space. Good thing THAT did not happen. But anyway, the point is
that crispy children should not be allowed to watch the Olympics because
of the great peril they face if later someone they have seen does something that someone else does not like and then they are TRAUMATIZED and cry themselves into a crispy state. Protect your crispy children! Blind them if you must, but protect them! Wait. I take that last bit back. Some readers of this site
are just stupid enough to actually do it. So blindfold your children; you DON”T have to PUT OUT THEIR EYES, YET! And if you must watch the Olympics with your children, be sure to LIE TO THEM and tell them that THESE ARE NOT REAL PEOPLE like you and me, but high-performance Ukrainian robots, so if anyone does anything that anyone else doesn’t like later then you can just blame it on bad programming or Chernobyl or something, but your children will be spared from crispiness and there will be more water in the world which is a good thing because we will need it later even if right now it just makes us need to pee.
People seem to forget that Michael is an adult and he can do whatever behind closed doors! It’s not like he was in Times Square lighting up! Relax people! So many celebrities/sports stars do freaky things that we the public don’t know about. Should they be suspended too? I’m sure Michael Jordan watches porn, should we take away his MVP titles? No! Kobe Bryant get drunk I’m sure, take away his NBA titles? No! Even Brad Pitt may do freaky things in bed, should we boycott his next movie? No! My point is Phelps is allowed to do whatever behind closed doors. If he used steroids and it helped his swimming THEN he should be suspended because that’s cheating. But pot? C’mon!