Michael Jackson’s Underpants Could Soon Be In Your Sock Drawer

Readers - we love you like we love our own mother.

And although our love for you wasn’t nurtured from a lifetime of you cutting the disgusting corners off our peanut butter sandwiches, it is love just the same. We love you deep, and we love you real.

It is this love that has us worried about you most nights. You see, our greatest fear is one wherein you all won’t be able to retire come age 35. That would be a real shame. You need to plan ahead - you need to invest.

You know - invest. Like in stocks and bonds and what not. Also you could invest in a pair of Michael Jackson’s underpants. Those are currently worth $1,000,000 a piece, and the value is expected to rise exponentially. You’d better act fast though - there’s only one of them up for sale.

It all happens on eBay today, apparently.

What could be better than owning a real piece of Michael Jackson? Nothing we think. Just ask Latoya - she’s been using his testicles as a beautiful pair of pearl-ish earrings since the mid seventies.

We have no evidence to prove that.

In other Michael Jackson testicle-related news, however, the police confiscated a pair of his drawers years ago to get DNA samples for their kiddie-case against him. Whether said DNA was obtained from the front or the back of the skivvies has not been publicly disclosed - yet. You’ll soon be able to know this for yourself because the garment has never been washed, and it’s apparently been sweating in an air-tight plastic bag for almost six years now or something. Imagine the aroma.

You now have the rare opportunity to buy that pair of underwear and smell them for yourself. They should be getting posted on eBay today - bidding starts at an American million. All proceeds will got either to charity or a bank somewhere.

Here’s what the New York Post knows:

“Michael Jackson’s notorious tighty whities are up for grabs. A pair of size-28 Calvin Klein white briefs once belonging to Wacko Jacko will be auctioned on eBay tomorrow, with a reserve price of $1 million. The unwashed underpants have a sensational past. They were part of the evidence confiscated in 2003 by then-Santa Barbara DA Tom Sneddon, who wanted a DNA sample for his unsuccessful child-molestation case against the washed-up King of Pop.”

Now keep in mind that once these underpants are yours - they are yours forever to share with friends and family as you see fit. Just imagine your grandkids one day sniffing them in a cabin during a weekend family retreat! And if you act now you’ll get all remaining unsold copies of his Invincible album, which is actually a pretty good deal because each of them is selling for at least $3 brand new right now. Also - they’ll throw in a salad shooter!

The auction will have other Jackson memorabilia up for grabs too - like a partial tube of skin bleach he used to make himself white or something, and a letter he once wrote to Lisa Marie Presley, whom he married out of attraction.

Also for sale is Jackson’s unused pair of eyeglasses.