You know, since Michael Jackson died – we literally haven’t eaten a thing. We just can’t.
Well – not to say we can’t eat anything. What we mean is when we eat things now – we only consume things that we think he would have cherished. Like veal. Because it’s young.
We haven’t drank anything either – except for milk, juice, and water. Our family and friends tell us we have to eat something else or we’ll die. We say we refuse to – not in a world without MJ!
Lucky for our thinning frame, then, Michael’s not actually dead. Here’s video to prove it.
When several city employees stuffed Michael Jackson‘s body bag into the back of a mortician’s truck, we thought to ourselves ‘self, somethin’ don’t smell right up in here.’ It ends up it was our dog that didn’t smell right. He’d eaten an old burrito.
There were several things we didn’t like about that video – for instance – the ambulance driver seemed quite unaffected and emotionless. If Michael Jackson was really dead then he wouldn’t have been able to drive through all those tears. In fact, if Michael were really dead – that ambulance would probably still be idling in his driveway because an exhaustive search for somebody who wasn’t crying profusely would have turned up nothing.
Also – in frame 37 of that video we saw a Coke can kick across the bottom of the? screen – proving once and for all that Jacko had never actually set foot on the moon.
Wait… sorry about that – it appears we’re getting our conspiracies mixed up.
Anyhow – you know how right after the entertainer died there was a video of his ghost spreading all across the land? Well we’ve got another death-defying video for you. This one shows MJ actually stepping out of the back of a coroner’s van and being feebly escorted through a door. It was captured on a cell phone, and is obviously true because people involved with covering up his death probably had strict orders to not look around at all before opening up a car door and helping the most famous, recently-dead pop star in the world out for a breather.
Also – keep in mind before watching the video that MJs face is never, ever shown in it. Thus the person in the middle of everything could have been either Michael Jackson, or any number of thin, frail women.
Science definitely indicates it’s Michael, though.
Here’s what the Telegraph says:
“In the footage, which appears to have been filmed in an underground garage, a man is escorted from the back of a white van and through a doorway by a guard. While the man appears to have Jackson’s build and dark hair, his face is entirely obscured.”
So now, without further ado, we give you the concrete, 100% undeniable, ground shaking, incontestable, incontrovertible, indisputable evidence that Michael Jackson is so alive he’ll probably even perform at your funeral: