As the world comes to terms with the sudden death of one of its most enduring icons, we all naturally begin to question what justice there is in the universe.
Really, how could any God with an ounce of compassion take Billy Mays and his fearsomely black beard, yet leave prostitute-slapping Vince Shlomi free to roam the earth with his boggly eyes and six-inch high hair? Damn you, God. Damn you to… well, one of the least good parts of Heaven, we guess.
Also, as you may have heard, Michael Jackson died last week. After the jump: fake autopsy results and Fox‘s ill-advised tribute. And some Billy.
It always seemed unlikely that Michael Jackson would die in any less spectacular of a manner than he lived. Which is to say, we fully expected him to one day be gored to death by a rampaging herd of rainbow-coloured unicorns being ridden by Japanese dwarf warriors carrying icicle swords.
Sadly, though, like Elvis and Sigmund Freud before him, Jackson last week succumbed to what is widely presumed to have been a boring old prescription drug overdose. Well, that or the unicorns. Let’s ask The Sun which it was:
“The horrifying state of pop superstar Michael Jackson in his final days can be revealed today. Harrowing leaked autopsy details show the singer was a virtual skeleton ? barely eating and with only pills in his stomach at the time he died. His hips, thighs and shoulders were riddled with needle wounds ? believed to be the result of injections of narcotic painkillers, given three times a day for years. And a mass of surgery scars were thought to be the legacy of at least 13 cosmetic operations.”
So there you have it. Undeniably the actual autopsy results, for who else but a trained medical examiner would have known that Michael Jackson was an extremely thin bloke with a drug problem who had undergone several cosmetic surgery operations.
But wait: the LA Times thinks it may have cast doubt on The Sun‘s report by actually asking the actual man who actually conducted the actual autopsy:
“Assistant chief coroner Ed Winter said The Sun’s details did not come from either the private or the county autopsy. ‘I don’t know where that information came from, or who that information came from. It is not accurate. Some of it is totally false,’ said coroner’s spokesman Craig Harvey.”
Oh, The Sun. How you amuse us with your fabricated stories about dead people. LOL!
Elsewhere, America’s Fox channel went with a rather more restrained attempt at cashing in on the dirty old bugger’s death. Last night, they re-ran the Michael Jackson-themed episode from this year’s American Idol. Honest.
Yes, just 24 hours after Black Entertainment Television‘s awards ceremony gave us a moving performance of I’ll Be There by Jamie Foxx and Ne-Yo, Fox decided that the international megastar’s 30-year career was best marked by Danny Gokey flailing around to Pretty Young Thing like a puppet being operated by a detoxing alcoholic.
Note to Fox executives: in our local pub, Fat Mick has promised that next Wednesday he’ll turn up in a glittery suit and sing Billie Jean while moonwalking through the snug. If you can’t get a crew there in time, let us know and we’ll send you the video from our mobile phone.
Finally, in these times of Jackson madness, it pays to mark the death of a true genius. Professor Sir Billy Mays, you are gone but not forgotten. Mostly because of the chronic ear damage you have inflicted upon millions. May the Gods bless you, your family, and your hilariously charcoal beard.
preston says
OMG…I just found a detailed report of what happened and a real transcript of the 911 call at
http://www.dailypennies.com/mjackson.htm
Awall says
Nice backlinking there preston….
Zell Faze says
This is a rather humorous post. Not exactly what I was searching for in Google News, but close enough (I wanted to know about Billy Mays).
Body Detox Diets says
I will surely miss Michael Jackson, he is really worthy of the name King of Pop and he is certainly one of the greatest musicians of all time.
mhaine says
michael jackson is really not dead …
hahaha …
thats the truth …
michael jackson maneger is foolin us …