Everyone can calm down now, the panic’s over – Michael Jackson’s lungs aren’t disgusting scab-covered peanuts after all.

Yes, we know there was a report yesterday claiming that Michael Jackson needed a lung transplant because he suffers from a potentially fatal genetic condition that has also destroyed his eyesight, but Michael Jackson is adamant that it’s untrue.

And if anyone says that Michael Jackson has a set of knackered lungs and rubbish vision, then he’ll hunt you down like a dog. But only if it’s in a well-lit environment. And it shouldn’t involve any running, either – he wears out easily, you know.