If you’re Austrian, then it’s time for you to get excited. The big Michael Jackson tribute concert takes place in Vienna this month!

And it’ll be awesome! Just about every musical performer on the face of the Earth drew inspiration from Michael Jackson, which is why all the biggest A-list stars have agreed to take part in the line-up. Well, OK, not all of them. But Sister Sledge are going, though. Oh, come on. Sister Sledge. From the 1970s. You remember.

No? Then how about a Lou Pearlman boyband that isn’t ‘N Sync or the Backstreet Boys? Hello? Anyone? Hello?

Remember when Michael Jackson decided to record a charity single for Hurricane Katrina? It was going to be amazing, he promised – a We Are The World-style extravaganza performed by Michael with help from legends such as Jay-Z, James Brown. Then a few weeks later it turned out that James Brown and Jay-Z hadn’t taken part and the performers actually included Shanice who did that I Love Your Smile song from 1991 and Jermaine Jackson. And then it never came out at all.

We’re just bringing that up because it seems like that pattern might be repeating itself with Jermaine Jackson’s forthcoming Michael Jackson tribute concert in Vienna. After the success of the Michael Jackson memorial service – which featured some of the biggest names on the planet, like Mariah Carey, Usher and Shaheen Jafargholi (who is technically one of the biggest names on the planet because there are physically quite a lot of letters in his actual name) – it looked as though the concert might have attracted the same calibre of artists.

That’s not exactly what’s happened, though. The first brace of Michael Jackson tribute concert performers has been announced and, if you ever wondered what the world’s biggest wedding reception mobile disco would be like, you’re going to be thrilled. We’ll list them for you…

Mary J Blige – Actually quite famous, if only for her alleged love of bodybuilding supplements.

Akon – A strange choice, because Michael Jackson was famous for his love of children, whereas with Akon it’s quite the opposite.

Natalie Cole - Has a lot in common with Michael Jackson, as they both released albums called Dangerous and were both once habitual drug addicts.

Sister Sledge – An obvious choice. Sister Sledge recorded He’s The Greatest Dancer, and Michael Jackson was the greatest dancer. Sister Sledge recorded Lost In Music, and Michael Jackson was lost in music. Sister Sledge recorded We Are Family, and Michael Jackson was in a family. Sister Sledge recorded Mama Never Told Me, and Michael Jackson’s mama never told him that locking himself in a bedroom with several children at a time might seem fairly suspect to the public.

US-5 – Honestly not a clue. They’re managed by a fat crook, though, if that helps.

Angela Bassett – Apparently Angela will “impersonate one part of Michael Jackson’s life.” We’ll say this now – if it isn’t the bit from Moonwalker with the giant dancing plasticine rabbit, we’re going to be very disappointed.

OK, so at the moment the Michael Jackson tribute concert line-up looks impossibly underwhelming at the moment. But we’re promised that more artists will be announced later this week, so maybe they’re saving the best for last.

And even if this is it, the prospect of a show featuring US-5 and a middle-aged woman doing a confusing Michael Jackson impersonation will still be the most exciting thing to ever happen to Austria. Seriously, have you ever been there? Jesus.

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