Michael Jackson was many things in his life – the new James Brown, the new Elvis Presley, the new Gary Glitter.

But now? Now Michael Jackson is new Tupac. When he died, Michael Jackson apparently left 200 unreleased songs for his children to financially benefit from. Well, his children and the awful 1970s folk-country band America, that is. An unreleased Michael Jackson song has just been leaked, and it’s almost identical to their song A Horse With No Name.

That’s right – before he died, Michael Jackson went country. We assume it was to make his child molesting accusations look less horrific in comparison.

That now all the traditional posthumous rituals have been performed on Michael Jackson – the brain-scooping, the being placed in a coffin that looks like a giant Crunchie wrapper while a 12-year-old boy screeches at you, the endless accusations of chronic, out-of-control drug addiction – it’s time to get down to business.

Because soon you’re going to be hit with a tidal wave of official Michael Jackson merchandise to spend your money on. Would your life be complete, for instance, without a DVD of Michael Jackson listlessly rehearsing for a concert? No, it definitely wouldn’t. And you can guarantee that, somewhere, a Hollywood executive is desperately trying to find a way to transform the video of Michael Jackson running around with his head on fire into a feature-length movie.

And then there are the official 2009 Michael Jackson facemasks, which are admittedly just a load of 1985 Michael Jackson facemasks that were accidentally left out in the sun for too long.

But the most exciting news – the news that all Michael Jackson fans have been waiting for – is that Michael Jackson’s unreleased songs have started to be leaked onto the internet. Yes, if you like the idea of listening to 200 songs that Michael Jackson didn’t release because they weren’t even as good as the b-sides to any of the singles from his notorious flop album Invincible, then you’ve come to the right place!

The first Michael Jackson song to be leaked is a track called A Place With No Name, and so far we only know the following things about it:

1 - The track bears an uncanny similarity to A Horse With No Name by America, and it’s thought that the band had given Michael Jackson their blessing for his version.

2 - Nobody seems to known where and when Michael Jackson recorded A Place With No Name.

3 - Michael Jackson probably decided to keep to A Place With No Name unreleased because he realised that he was actually singing “I want to go to a place without no name,” and his use of the double negative made it sound like he wanted to go to a place with a name. And most places have names. So he may as well have said “I want to go to Thailand” or “I want to go to the Tewkesbury Medieval Festival and buy a toffee apple.” Bad grammar was always Michael Jackson’s downfall. Well, bad grammar and heavy-duty medical anaesthetic. And Jesus Juice.

Anyway, thanks to the similarity between Michael Jackson’s A Place With No Name and America’s A Horse With No Name, we’re hopeful that all of his other unreleased songs are based on songs that can be found on the soundtrack to Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas – like a revamp of More Than This by Roxy Music entitled I Thought I Had More Than This Amount Of Demerol Left (Hey Graham, Run Down The Shops And Get Me Some More Demerol) and a reworking of Mamas Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys by Ed Bruce called Mamas Don’t let Your Babies Anywhere Bloody Near Me.

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