Michael Jackson: Not Even Slightly Married

People people, relax. Despite what you may have heard on the internet recently, you're safe - no woman on the face of the Earth has been stupid enough to marry Michael Jackson again.

Not that people thought that yesterday, of course - way back then everyone was going loopy over claims that Michael Jackson had married his family's nanny Grace Rwaramba. But sadly any rumours of a Michael Jackson marriage are just that - official Michael Jackson spokespeople have dismissed the claim as a hoax. Thank God for that - if Michael Jackson really had got married then we'd have missed out on his stag party. And that would have been upsetting, especially since we spent so much money on BYOB Jesus Juice for it. But Michael Jackson had better get married soon - that little boy we hired to burst out of the wedding cake at the reception is going to out-grow his Marilyn Monroe outfit any day now.

It's been a hell of a week for internet hoaxes, don't you think? There was the Meg White sex tape hoax, the pregnant Hannah Montana hoax and the hoax about Charlotte Church having a baby. And now, to add this list of giant internet hoaxes this week, we can add the Michael Jackson wedding hoax. Yesterday the internet was abuzz over claims that Michael Jackson had married Grace Rwaramba, his family's nanny. If true, it would have been Michael Jackson's third marriage after his first to Lisa Marie Presley ended quietly and his second to Debbie Rowe ended with all sorts of lawsuits and screaming about sperm. 

And, really, who wouldn't want to be Michael Jackson's wife? Imagine the lifestyle - you'd get to travel the world watching Michael Jackson shake strangers' hands for cash then relax in his bubbling giraffe-blood hot-tub while drinking all the Jesus Juice you can to stop you from worrying about all of Michael Jackson's suffocating financial woes. Yes sir, that's exactly the kind of lifestyle we aspire to. But it's not the lifestyle for Michael Jackson's nanny Grace Rwaramba, who absolutely didn't get married to Michael Jackson recently, even though that's what everyone thinks. MSNBC reports:

Michael Jackson can be called many things, but one title his spokesperson says you shouldn’t use to refer to him is “married man.” Contrary to rumors, Michael did not tie the knot with his family’s nanny, a spokesperson for the singer confirmed to “Access Hollywood." “Wide spreading reports regarding Michael Jackson being married are not true. Documents stating otherwise are a hoax,” Jackson spokesperson Raymone Bain told “Access.”

However, Michael Jackson has long been romantically linked with Grace Rwaramba, so there's still a chance the pair will marry at some point. We've heard it'll be sooner rather than later, too, because Michael Jackson has found a beautiful wedding dress he wants to wear. 

However, seriously, this is just another sign of how far Michael Jackson has fallen recently. That big Michael Jackson comeback album never materialised - nor did the giant 50ft desert-stalking Michael Jackson robot mooted a while back - and now he's slipping down the craziness ladder too. Seriously Michael - a hoax wedding rumour? That's rubbish. Come back here when you've gone to rehab and developed an antisocial farting habit, then we'll talk. 

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Michael Jackson Did Not Get Married Again - MSNBC