You know that Michael Jackson dude? The pop star who looks like a cross between a waxwork dummy and half a human being?
Well he’s announced a few gigs in London to recoup some money so he can pay off his debts and buy more extravagant things like a 40-foot-high sculpture of Barbara Windsor.
When London is plagued with his presence later this year, the singer will no doubt be asked to take part in multiple public appearances. Evil music lord Simon Cowell is one of the people who wants MJ to appear on X Factor when it annoyingly returns on our screens towards the arse end of 2009.
You’d have thought that after giving birth to the careers of Leona Lewis, Alexandra Burke and The Little Crying Scottish Boy, all the musicians in the world would be queuing up to sing on X Factor. It was highly rumoured that Stevie Wonder was going to make an appearance, but he accidentally stumbled onto the set of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire instead.
The 2008 series of X Factor was made up of awful contestants, awful singing and the truly awful Dannii Minogue. To remind everyone what real popstars looked like, Britney Spears, Mariah Carey and Beyonce all made appearances on the show. But none of them did anything with any real X Factor.
Instead of carrying out a performance featuring razor blades, minge-flashing and umbrellas, Britney Spears instead decided to play it safe and mime her song. Everyone was bitterly disappointed, even though all the judges had to pretend to like her. Otherwise Britney would have locked herself in the shower and eaten nothing but pork scratchings. Known in Hollywood as the piggy wiggy diet.
A source from the show said:
“Britney was a massive coup for Cowell. But he’s determined to raise the bar even higher and secure Jacko’s services. He is perhaps one of the few artists who could outshine Britney.”
So what can Michael Jackson do that will propel him to complete stardom and break YouTube in the process? Instead of sitting on a chair, perched above a smoke machine with a few lights, we have a few suggestions based on his life.
1 – Whilst singing a hit like Thriller, MJ can stand on a makeshift balcony whilst dangling young African children to their possible peril. If one was to fall from his grasp, Angelina Jolie would be on hand to catch the infant or scoop up the remains.
2 – Perform in a monkey costume! Everyone likes monkeys and we all know that at one point, Bubbles was more important than anything in the world. Not only would it be a tribute to the hairy creature, but it’s a good excuse for us to throw peanuts at MJ too.
3 – A short courtroom musical. You know, so Michael can take the piss out of himself and that kiddy touching trial.
Would it be strange to see Michael Jackson perform on X Factor? Of course. From what we believe, the lights of the studio would melt his skin and the booming sounds of the audience would knock him on to his black or white ass.
For all the tight arse bastards like us who never bothered to get a ticket to see Michael Jackson in concert, it just means we can record his performance, put the sound on mute and play multiple tracks over the top. Then we’ll have a poor man’s Michael Jackson gig, but without the potential trauma of seeing him keel over and die on stage like what will probably happen in London.
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{ 38 comments… read them below or add one }
Matthew seriously, this is not worth a read beyond the headline.
There are plenty of other places where people will choose to read the same story and it will almost definitley be written better with less irritatingly subjective digs at everything, oh and minus the feeble attempts at humour.
If your job is to get into work to write articles like this, you really are in the wrong profession…
Dude, I read in another article before I skimmed this one and it said MJ’s going to boost the UK econemy by 500,000,000. I understand the need for there to be a balence in the world but seriously, I can make fun of myself better then that and you had Mike. I met Michael in 1986 before Bad (good time to see him lol) and I had is back since then so if you gonna rip on my dude then make it FUCKING FUNNY, CUNT, just playing
I’ve never felt so annoyed by an article like I have on this one. It feels like a poor attempt to make fun of the wrong person at the wrong time.
Sorry. I know you’re a professional journalist, but do you really need all that aggressiveness to express yourself?
Sorry, but are you sure you’re a jourlanist???
I guess not, at most you’re clown, a pathetic clown in fact!
Grow UP, mas don’t play the kid!!!
fokin twats……….make a website got nothing else to do ..then thinks by creating website somehow your views are worth something!¬!!! lmaooo oh pleaseee get ur act sorted…any twat can set up a website im just wonderinn…if u made any money!!!from this crap!
hahaha you fcuking suck you c0ck, lololocats, you think because you rite an acritcle that poeple will read it an comment on it??? HAHAHA as if poeple would read this…..oh wait.
this web site is plain cr.ap!
This ‘article’ is nothing but a pathetic piece of crap… dude, seriously.
Hmmmmm looks like a wacko-fanboy invasion of the comments section!
hahah Michael Jackson is the King
who would ever sellout ALL his concerts after YEARS of not performing???????
don’t insult the King of Pop!
like tht comment above.. i’ll never return to this site again
I smell a sockpuppet.
Well done for jumping on the “wakko jakko” bandwagon. Although you could possibly be their worst and least witty recruit to date. Wont be using this site again…
MJ fans are morons. True and funny at the same time. Now there’s journalisim at it’s best.
Honestly, the whole world is going back into Michael Mania. They don’t WANT to hear about wacko jacko…its Michael Jackson The King of Pop now mate.
What happened to all the journalists that said MJ was dead…well he just fucking broke records by selling around 1,000,000 TICKETS in one fucking day mate. So a big middle finger to stick up all the journalists who doubted and hated on Michael.
He just makes too much money to be liked be everyone!
This was a horrible article! All you did was bad mouth MJ who has done nothing to anyone. There was nothing positive in it at all. You didn’t even mention that those shows are sell outs!
You HATE and despise Michael Jackson, you’ve made that VERY clear, everyone gets it Matthew. Thing is, you’re embarrassing yourself a bit now, you know… I’m afraid your desperate outcries for Jacko hatred are going to become fainter, and fainter, and fainter, until you and your fellow haters end up all alone in this cyber ocean, hating away while Jacko will be receiving praises from his fans AND the media. Face it Matty, your set for a few years of misery here. So why do you do this to yourself, Matty? Why?
Nah JoeMomma that can be said about haters like you and Matthew Laidlow.
Stop listening to Micheal Jackson, he is the lizard beast that will eat you and procreate his demon spawn in your corpse.
Guessing you took the easy option by writing such a silly article – you wanted a reaction and you wanted to be a hero with your negative comments. Clap Clap Clap to you – Bravo.
Maybe get a real job – and write articles about things which may be useful to mankind. Put psitive energy out into the world instead of this nonsense.
I for one hope Michael Jackson proves he’s still got it. Even if he just sits on a chair on stage and sings – most fans will just be happy to see him back up there healthy and enjoying performing once again.
i can’t believe a wasted 6 minutes of my life reading this BS.
Find a story actually worth writing about and i totally AGREE with FRANK.
and JoeMomma….as for you. You ARE a definition of a MORON!your mind has been washed by the media and that is what makes you a MORON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!And why are you wasting your time typing mindless crap. I know this country has freedom of speech but no one wants to hear what you corrupted ass has to say!
My point of view (if anyone cares): I’ve been going easy on MJ for years. The guy is [a] too easy a target and [b] had a psychologically screwed-up childhood. Picking on him would be like sneering at beggars; “Hey, I got a car, where’s yours?”
But some beggars actually DO own cars and dress in rags only when begging – I have literally seen this. And Michael Jackson, I think, is in the same category of deceit. He’s been trading on the memory of his past fame, while his employees and many others have sued him for unpaid bills. He’s promised work that has not been delivered. And now he’s pulling in truckloads of money from the kind of young people who think the word ‘you’ has one letter and that he will deliver performance that’s worth the money they paid.
It’s time to tell those young people that blind, unquestioning faith in other human beings is not a good thing. Ask a suicide bomber.
yeah, MJ’s like Osama lol
Oh the hilarity. An MJ fan calling someone brainwashed. HYSTERICAL. Bravo! When you’re working don’t forget to ask, “Would you like fries with that?”
you are stupid man….what you wrote this is so stupid
Michael Jackson is the best singer ever..
he’s the legend…..and everybody want’s his money…his fame….and even you…
David Ike and joke police close your mouthes. Oh the hilarity that idiots like you JoeMomma buy into false allegations so easily and you still haven’t figured out that this was nothing more than extortion to get his money.
Car crash of a comments section.
Ya know, I listened to my fair share of Thriller growing up, and it’s a solid album. But he hasn’t produced any music in a long time, or performed, or really done anything notable in a good way. I’m wondering if he can still even sing, why London, and placing my bets on it’ll never happen. Also, I think these sort of comment sections should be preserved and analyzed so that maybe some day we can find a cure for idiot.
Who said anything about [allegations removed for legal reasons]?
I was laughing at pompous non-MJ fans.
I’ve come full circle.
I dunno, Joke Police, maybe if MJ were to ask his fans to explode themselves, some would comply? Really, anyone who thinks MJ is the “best singer ever” could also believe that his soul will go to Neverland.
All I’m saying is that Michael Jackson has got some serious tunes.
I know these concerts will in all likelihood be a disastrous freak show, but I don’t get why people are after him for the music.
Sure, plastic surgery, going to court in pyjamas, balcony dangling, yes, yes, yes.
But enough of the pop snobbery. Or you’re all getting arrested.
I make better music in the morning after an all you can eat mexican food feast that MJ has ever done in his life.
Right, that’s it – send in the SWAT team.
At his best, he was a poor man’s Stevie Wonder. At his worst…see 1983 onwards.
LIZZARD!
Dear Hecklerspray,
Please write up something new about MJ as I have to click “Previous Entries” three times now to get back here.
I’m feeling especially irritable today and would like to annoy mental midgets into a bloodthirsty frenzy.
Thank you for your continued efforts to entertain and inform with your high standards of journalistic integrity.
Best Regards,
J. Momma
Joe Mamma, your wish is our command. That’s if we find anything mind…
You complete IDIOT.
and….what exactly did you think this article was going to achieve?
Was it meant to be funny ?
Make people hate MJ ?
Well,, failed both of them with flying colours.
But hey,, it did one thing. Made people realise what a complete load of trash journalists and the media write.
Way to go loser.
i can’t wait to see Michael in July.
Thank God you didnt get tickets.
Wouldnt want complete freaks like you ruining a wonderful concert.
Michael Jackson is eccentric and that is why I like him. Only he could have made our modern music world so exciting. I remember him for his great music and dance. When I read this crap, it comes from a boring, jealous person who is either seething at MJ or gloating.
Good riddance to the journalist who swarm like flies.