Michael Jackson Is Exactly Like Jesus, Says Speech Debelle
It’s good when C-list celebrities share their political views isn’t it? Like the time Lee Ryan Out Of Blue told America to stop harping on about 9/11 because an elephant had just died somewhere. Or words to that effect.
What’s even better than C-list celebrities sharing their political opinions is Z-list celebrities espousing their theological beliefs.
Recently it was the turn of Speech Debelle to emit some spiritual pellets of wisdom.
If you’ve never heard of Speech Debelle, don’t worry. Her album may have failed to chart previously, but the most important thing now is that you pretend you knew about her ages ago because she’s just won this year’s Mercury prize.
In a pre-Mercury interview, she spectacularly revealed that the Second Coming may already have been and gone, in the form of Michael Jackson. Now, it would be easy for us to make jokes about how he certainly ‘touched’ children, but that would be highly clichéd, not to mention a little insensitive. So we’ll leave it to her:
“Jesus went around preaching the gospel and touching people to make the blind see and making lepers better. Michael Jackson’s gone around the world and done that … apparently, I don’t know if this is true, there were kids around him who had cancer that didn’t have cancer any more.”
It’s a good point.
We’re not sure if the children in question had undergone intensive medical treatment or extensive chemotherapy at any point, but that’s irrelevant. Medical research has shown that if you simply place a pop star in front of a sick child, the cancer will just run on out of them. Especially if the pop star in question has got a funny-looking nose. Fact.
If you’re hoping for a miracle cure from MJ though, you’ll be sorely disappointed. In case you missed it, he’s dead. Which is another way in which Jesus and Jacko are basically the same – they’re both dead.
Apparently Barry Manilow is still available for medical emergencies however, but he’s only really good at curing colds and sniffles, not so much with the cancer. And even then, all he does is give you a few Handy Andies and make you a Lemsip.
But, back to ways in which MJ and Jesus are almost definitely one and the same.
It’s a historical fact that Jesus came back to life as a rabbit on Easter Sunday and since then Christians have celebrated by eating chocolate. So, it looks like Michael’s going to have to do some serious resurrecting, and fast, if we’re to believe he really was the Messiah incarnate.
Well the good news is, he already has. Irrefutable film evidence exists which clearly shows Jacko’s ghost having a stroll around his house. Either that or some shadows. You can judge for yourself with this YouTube vid.
Damning stuff, you’re sure to agree.
This was a guest post by Leah Kayles from Smell My Cheese, which is actually quite wonderful.
Follow hecklerspray on Twitter
Is the Mercury prize given to the person who’s ingested the most mercury? Everyone knows high levels of mercury aren’t good for the brain. (well not everyone, but google it) It could expalin this “celeberity” (more like backup singer for a rice krispies ad and street busker) has such bizzaro ideas.
It is a frighteningly stupid quote, isn’t it? Up there with the best of Jade Goody.
ok,
michael was not jesus christ.
nobody is and never will be.
but michael was a good person and i believe he’s probably up in heaven with jesus,looking down apon people still making fun him and he’s dead.
trahsy articles just like this do not make any sense at all.
LEAVE THE MAN ALONE.
The last place he’d be is Heaven.
Nope, Joe – the last place he’d be is in my music collection. If Stevie Wonder had been able to dance, Jacko wouldn’t be in anyone else’s either.
(Don’t mind me. I’m just passing through on my way to redemption or dissolution – I’m never sure which – though this throwaway slight may be the dread harbinger of a return to abnormal service)
hecklerspray, whoever the hell you are, you are disgusting.
“This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.” 1 John 4:9
Taken from the most published and historically moving book in the history of the world. The Son would be Jesus Christ, I suggest you research about Him a little bit further instead of heckling Him. The King of Pop will bow before the King of Kings. I will be praying for you.
Danny, pray for yourself and leave the rest of us the hell out of it.
Keep your God out of my business, and I’ll keep mine out of yours.
MJ was a tortured child and a supreme ass, neither of which are
exactly breaking news to the God you infer.
SoCalGal;
Do you think that MJ is sharing “cancer-afflicted boy juice” with Jesus?
It worked so well for him the other way ’round.
@Danny said:
“This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.” 1 John 4:9
Thanks for that, I really enjoy a bit of fiction.
Btw, take your head out your arse would ya? =]
Thank you SoCalGal, I do try. And Danny, if your God turns out to be the right one then cheers for that, saves me bothering.
Leah… you rule
I love your way with words and I cant totally sense your tempo through your writing.
I loled at the morons though… I didnt realise the internetz was so srs
what is she smoking?
can i have some too?
Michael Jackson não é Jesus, mas você COM CERTEZA é um IDIOTA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IGNORANTE.