It’s good when C-list celebrities share their political views isn’t it? Like the time Lee Ryan Out Of Blue told America to stop harping on about 9/11 because an elephant had just died somewhere. Or words to that effect.

What’s even better than C-list celebrities sharing their political opinions is Z-list celebrities espousing their theological beliefs.

Recently it was the turn of Speech Debelle to emit some spiritual pellets of wisdom.

If you’ve never heard of Speech Debelle, don’t worry. Her album may have failed to chart previously, but the most important thing now is that you pretend you knew about her ages ago because she’s just won this year’s Mercury prize.

In a pre-Mercury interview, she spectacularly revealed that the Second Coming may already have been and gone, in the form of Michael Jackson. Now, it would be easy for us to make jokes about how he certainly ‘touched’ children, but that would be highly clichéd, not to mention a little insensitive. So we’ll leave it to her:

“Jesus went around preaching the gospel and touching people to make the blind see and making lepers better. Michael Jackson’s gone around the world and done that … apparently, I don’t know if this is true, there were kids around him who had cancer that didn’t have cancer any more.”

It’s a good point.

We’re not sure if the children in question had undergone intensive medical treatment or extensive chemotherapy at any point, but that’s irrelevant. Medical research has shown that if you simply place a pop star in front of a sick child, the cancer will just run on out of them. Especially if the pop star in question has got a funny-looking nose. Fact.

If you’re hoping for a miracle cure from MJ though, you’ll be sorely disappointed. In case you missed it, he’s dead. Which is another way in which Jesus and Jacko are basically the same – they’re both dead.

Apparently Barry Manilow is still available for medical emergencies however, but he’s only really good at curing colds and sniffles, not so much with the cancer. And even then, all he does is give you a few Handy Andies and make you a Lemsip.

But, back to ways in which MJ and Jesus are almost definitely one and the same.

It’s a historical fact that Jesus came back to life as a rabbit on Easter Sunday and since then Christians have celebrated by eating chocolate. So, it looks like Michael’s going to have to do some serious resurrecting, and fast, if we’re to believe he really was the Messiah incarnate.

Well the good news is, he already has. Irrefutable film evidence exists which clearly shows Jacko’s ghost having a stroll around his house. Either that or some shadows. You can judge for yourself with this YouTube vid.

Damning stuff, you’re sure to agree.

This was a guest post by Leah Kayles from Smell My Cheese, which is actually quite wonderful.

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