When we die,  the only thing we’d like to happen to our corpse is to have it stuffed.

That way, we could become a handy coathanger or a funky-looking light if an electrical cable was inserted up our arse.

When Michael Jackson was finally buried, it was a surprise that his corpse didn’t emerge from his coffin and slag off his own memorial service. Did he have to see his own children paraded around like monkeys? Probably not, and what about Magic Johnson singlehandedly pimping for KFC? At least in Krindjabo, where Michael was just crowned a prince of the Agni people he got a much more respectable funeral.

Christ knows how Michael Jackson became a prince to a group of tribespeople. In fact, it seems weird that they’d know who he was, seeing as they would have only recently got Walkmans and cassettes. That’s all down to Bono’s good will and aid work. We’d love to find out the reason how it all happened, but we don’t trust Wikipedia and its probable answer of ‘he brought hair gel to the village’.

The only thing we know about Krindjabo is that it’s a village in the Ivory Coast. Apart from that, they may have wells that are full of lemonade and talking rocks. Honestly, we just don’t know anything. No-one has done a documentary on Krindjabo full of endless amounts of Sigur Ros music to make viewer all weepy with emotion.

However, the BBC can confirm that for some reason, Michael Jackson was known as Prince Michael Amalaman Anoh. He didn’t appear to have a throne to park his black or white ass on, or have a crown that was delicately decorated with tinfoil. So looking at it, he didn’t really have it all that good compared to any other peasant.

Despite no longer being with us on this planet, Michael has however messed with the locals. We imagine some of them love playing football when they’re not dreaming up new email lottery scams or magic weightloss tablets. Even so, the local pitch has been replaced as a memorial to the deceased king of pop. There, people can leave all sorts of crap to their hero, such as mini versions of Neverland and VHS copies of Home Alone.

What makes this story more amusing is that the people of Krindjabo really think they would be able to bury Michael Jackson in their own village. Of course we all know that Joe Jackson would be quick to belt anyone with such a ridiculous suggestion. How would it make more money compared to his own exploitation scam? According to BBC News:

“Emmanuel Kassy Kofi, said they had appealed through the international media and the US embassy in Abidjan for Michael Jackson’s body to be returned. Michael Jackson was enthroned as a king-in-waiting and should normally be buried in a river.”

Buried in a river? Does that mean some shady-looking characters from the village would cast his legs into concrete and then throw him off a bridge? You know, like what the Italian gangsters and stuff do? Maybe we’ve watched too many episodes of The Sopranos. But why do they need his body back in Krindjabo? Well idiot, its obvious ain’t it?

“The organisers say his spirit is already here and will be put to rest.”

Until that happens, we guess that Michael will be living an unpeaceful life where demons and zombies make him wear his terrible clothing from the eighties. The village will also be unable to select another ruler, meaning that fifty or so people are in a tug of war over a crown that is made out of twigs and yoghurt pot cartons.

Some people just ask for too much, even when they’re dead. If we got a respectable funeral, it would do us. We just don’t want someone to spike the Um Bongo and cause Uncle Frank to get in a fight with the people who bring out sausages on sticks.

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