Fans of Michael Jackson: get out your picket signs and sandwich boards, for that dark day is yet at hand. What do you say everyone just meet at the same courthouse around seven-ish?

Most of you probably still have the car-pool arrangements on your dry erase boards, so you might as well just travel in the same groups. Why you ask? Because a 20-year-old man has stepped forward to make new allegations of sexual abuse against the fallen king of pop.

These aren’t the same old depressing allegations, no, this time the allegations are red hot! They include the likes of forced plastic surgery and totally plagiarising a ten-year-old’s musical genius.

For you loyal Michael Jackson (CDs)-ites who have barely plopped down in your
lay-z-boy, kicked off your shoes and reached for the dusty remote after
the last extremely long court process… hey… don’t you roll your eyes!
It’s the price you agreed to when you picked up Thriller! This is a
call to arms!

Eleven days into 2006 and already Bahrain’s newest zoologist (aka
Michael Jackson, aka The Gloved One, aka Ol’ Glitter Glove, aka not
affiliated with hecklerspray in any way) is in hot American water. A
twenty-year-old man has hired a lawyer and filed a complaint that Michael Jackson
molested him from 1987-1999, probably taking breaks only to eat and drink
and what have you. 

Wait! You’ll understand our total lack of compassion in a few paragraph’s time! We’re good, good people, you’ll see!

This quote from his lawyer may help our case:

"There is also an
allegation that my client came up with song ideas, lyrics and melodies
which were used by Mr Jackson in his records and made an awful lot of
money."

Do you see? From 1987-1999, Michael didn’t have any good songs! Wait though, the strange lawyer quotes get stranger
still:

"I have got photos of my client with these red lips just like
you see on Mr Jackson and a big old cleft on his chin which he didn’t
have previously." 

The statement here is alluding to some sort of
forced plastic surgery, let’s think about this for a sec…
…if the assaults began in 1987, and the new accuser is 20 now,
assuming he turned 20 in 2005, that would have made him roughly two
years old when it all began, and in 1999 he would have been 14.

Now, as
hecklerspray puts it’s large-buttoned calculator back in the vault, let
us say this: Since when can a child 14 years of age or younger get
plastic surgery without a parent’s consent? Even if his parents were
totally cool like that? Imagine him popping that question: "Yeah Mom,
the meatloaf’s great. I hate your chin, can I get Michael’s?"

And what’s that other thingy called, the one that usually
changes a teenager’s face, what’s it called with the hormones releasing
and weird hair popping up in droves… anyone? Anyone? Oh yeah, it’s
Puberty. Take that, lawyer! As far as the kid having Michael’s
red lips, maybe the issue here isn’t one of coerced plastic surgery on
a minor, but of lineage. If the kid looks that much like Mikey, he may
be entitled to his money via parentage, right?

Jackson, you keep dabbing that girly make-up on in those Bahraini
ladies rooms, and you keep being all aloof and off-putting. hecklerspray’s got your back. Also, if you could please get us the
surgical pattern for your cheek bones. They’re quite nice, and Lou’s
over in copy have a very unnatural curvature.

Read more:

Jackson faces new claims of child abuse – The Scotsman 

[story by Shawn Lindseth]