He’s died, had his brain lopped off and been sung at by a 12-year-old, but it’s hard to let Michael Jackson go.

But we might not need to. In a way, Michael Jackson will live on forever. Not in his music or the way we’ll always be reminded of his spirit and generosity whenever we catch sight of a rainbow – that’d be creepy – but in the way that the custody battle over children is never ever going to ever end. Ever.

Especially not now that Debbie Rowe has decided to get involved. Seriously, where’s Jeremy Kyle when you need him?

Michael Jackson hasn’t even been dead for a month yet, but already the tussle over his children is starting to spiral out of control. This is partly Michael Jackson’s fault – it’s becoming clear that, genetically speaking, he had zero in common with any of them and his entire paternal process seemed to involve dangling a number of them from balconies and keeping all the ones ones that didn’t slip out of his hands – but he’s not the only character involved in this mess. The others are:

1 – Katherine Jackson, Michael Jackson’s 79-year-old mother who is temporarily caring for the children.

2 – Diana Ross, the woman who Michael Jackson inexplicably chose to care for his kids in the event of his death, even though she can’t even kick a football properly.

3 – Dr Arnold Klein, the man who might be the father of Michael Jackson’s children but probably isn’t. But he might be. But he probably isn’t. Maybe.

4 – Everyone else on Earth, because at this rate it’s only a matter of time before we all end up getting named as the mother or father of at least one of Michael Jackson’s kids.

And then there’s Debbie Rowe, the woman who married Michael Jackson and then gave birth to either one, two or none of his children, but decided six years ago that she’d rather have a crapload of money than any contact with any of them whatsoever. Rowe’s been keeping herself to herself since Michael Jackson died, but that’s all going to change next week – she’s decided that she’s going to rock up to the custody hearing. People reports:

Now that a hearing has been scheduled at Los Angeles Superior Court on July 20 for temporary guardianship of the children, Rowe plans to be seen. “[Debbie] says that she will definitely be at the custody hearing,” says Marc Schaffel, a former business partner of Jackson’s and a close friend of Rowe’s.

Brilliant. This can only be good for the kids. After all, in times of crisis children need their mothers most of all. Even when their mothers have already accepted a large payment to never see or speak to any of them ever again. And statistically are fairly unlikely to be the biological mother of any of them. And seem a bit weird and creepy most of the time.

Yes, Debbie Rowe is exactly what those children need. This custody battle is going to be fun.

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