Anyone who calls Michael Jackson a normal person can’t have seen the same newspaper reports and documentaries as us.

As we all know and appreciate, every single middle-aged man climbs trees to find inspiration and dangles kids from balconies for giggles.

A few weeks ago, KFC’s sales skyrocketed thanks to Magic Johnston’s memorial speech about the time he and Michael shared some chicken during. We’ve since discovered that food artist Norma “Duffy” Lyon wants to sculpt the ex King of Pop out of butter. No-one knows if Michael Jackson loved butter that much, but it doesn’t matter. The soulless killjoys known as PETA have put a stop to it.

Despite not being overly clued up in the trade of building, we have spotted a flaw in sculpting things out of butter. Unlike bricks, butter doesn’t last very long in the heat. Or in the rain. Or if you try to chew it. Maybe all the houses in Iowa – prospective home of the Michael Jackson butter statue – are made out of butter. Perhaps all the residents are just a bit retarded.

For whatever reason, Norma “Duffy” Lyon has been carving all sorts of things out of butter since 1960. Cows, Elvis and angry man Elton John have all been cast in something that is best spread between two slices of bread. With the recent death of Michael Jackson, it seemed a fitting tribute to create the star out of butter. He’d have had three skin colours altogether as a result – black, white and a creamy yellow.

Butter, as a general rule, is pretty inoffensive. It doesn’t shout at you, interfere with other products in your fridge or try to rape you. However, the miserable twats at PETA got a bit boo-hoo at the thought of a poor cow’s milk being used for evil. If they had it their way, they’d employ 100,000 lactating women to fire out breast milk to replace good old cow’s milk. Or men’s ejaculate.

PETA’s executive vice president Tracy Reiman promptly sent off a letter after choking on a lettuce leaf to the Iowa State Fair’s CEO. She asked that the apparently offensive tradition of butter sculpting be scrapped and instead replaced with a non-dairy substitute instead. We assume they suggested cow shit due to it being a naturally occurring product from cows and a meal that all dejected vegans love to feast on.

As a result, the people running the Iowa state fair issued the following statement on its website:

“Conservatives and traditionalists find themselves opposed to Jackson’s depiction in butter. The allegations of paedophilia and blatant bizarre behaviour are simply too much for them. Then we have PETA, which often goes to the extreme left to make its point. Both factions are likely voting as fast as they can to keep Jackson out of the exhibit for different reasons.”

And vote they bloody well did, in fact they did in their thousands. The LA Times reports:

“About 100,000 votes were cast (no word on how many individual voters that represents, since one assumes those with strong feelings may have voted multiple times in what the fair’s own statement called an unscientific poll), and about 65% of them said no way to Butter Jackson.”

Screw you PETA for ruining a tradition that no-one really cares about. What’s net on your agenda? Randomly rescuing polar bears from the melting ice-caps so they don’t go homeless? Or how about brainwashing tramps to see everything your green and leafy way?

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