When Michael Jackson was young, he didn’t really get to do the things that his friends were doing.

Instead of playing baseball and smashing windows with a football, he had to deal with daily beatings. Good old Joe Jackson didn’t want to teach Michael how to dance; he wanted to smack it into him instead.

As a result, nearly everything Michael Jackson has done has causes his fans to literally orgasm when they reminisce about their hero. It’s now a common practice for parents to dangle their children off balconies, all because Michael Jackson did it. However, when it came to naming his own children, Michael didn’t do it! Professional no-one and crap porn maker Paris Hilton helped out. Supposedly. But probably not.

It’s hard to compare Michael Jackson and Paris Hilton. When it comes to music for example there is a guaranteed difference between them. In music videos, Paris Hilton flops around on some sand like a beached whale whilst Michael Jackson saves trees from falling down, dances like a zombie and even makes the flipping pavement light up!

While racking our brains further we still can’t come up with anything that brings the two together. To our knowledge, Michael Jackson didn’t star in a grainy nightvision porn film where he performed oral treats for someone. Nor has he whored himself out on TV to find a BFF. That’s Best Friend Forever, not a dyslexic spelling of the BBC. Though we think he’d be a spiffing weather man.

Everyone knows that Michael Jackson has three children who he liked to dress up in stupid masks. Revelations this week also claimed that he fathered another child who looks like him and also dances like him. Basically you’re looking out for a crazy young man who keeps something like a dolphin as a pet and has had about fifty operations on his face.

Because Michael Jackson believed he was a giant child and would never grow old, we assumed he was going to call his child Peter, after Peter Pan. Or failing that, he’d call his offspring Oil of Olay as it provides baby soft younger looking skin. Shockingly, this isn’t the case and somehow Paris Hilton is involved. Was she employed in the Neverland Ranch to whip his arse or something? The Sun reports:

“My mum and Michael went to high school together and they were best friends since they were 13. So I grew up knowing Michael very well and when he had his daughter, he always loved the name Paris and grew up being an uncle to me.”

Using our expert knowledge of the world, we’ve discovered that there is a place in France called Paris. It’s the capital city apparently and is the prime location for where French people talk about stripy jumpers and eat baguettes that are splattered with garlic and snails. Don’t sign us up for The Bill yet, but we think Michael Jackson might have had a fondness for France and all stuff that is French.

If Paris Hilton really did have any involvement in the naming of Michael Jackson’s children, then she’d have to use the few words in her vocabulary to do so. Imagine the looks on Joe Jackson’s face as he learnt that his grandchild was called ’sparkly’, ‘omg!’, ‘do you know who I am?’ or ‘money.’

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