Michael Flately: Not A Rapist But Still Quite Rich Thanks

Ladies - it's now OK to accept if Lord Of The Dance Michael Flatley ever decides to invite you out for a drinks, because he's statistically much less likely to rape you afterwards than before.

We know this because a court has just ruled that Michael Flatley cannot in any way be considered a rapist, and if you do call Michael Flatley a rapist then he'll sue your balls off. That's what's just happen in Los Angeles, anyway, where Michael Flatley has been awarded $11 million in damages from a woman who falsely accused him of rape in 2002. It's a double-eged sword for the Flatley fans of the world, though - although they'll obviously be relieved that their hero isn't a rapist, they're going to have to come to terms with the unexpected fact that Michael Flatley finds women attractive and not men.

As much as radioactive-skinned, earring-wearing, middle-aged smug factory Michael Flatley appears to be the world's biggest bastard - based on a combination of the big stupid smug face he pulls every time he does that weird centaur dance thing he's famous for and the way he almost single-handedly kickstarted that awful mid-1990s trend for shoehorning hokey pretend panpipey Irishness into every film, TV show and piece of music around because of his bloody Riverdance - he's not a rapist.

In fact, Michael Flatley is probably even less of a rapist than you. After all, Michael Flatley has just been awarded $11 million by the Los Angeles Superior Court because he's not a rapist. And what have you ever been paid for not raping anyone? Nothing, that's right. So Michael Flatley is officially so incredible at not raping girls that he gets paid to do it. In effect, Michael Flately is a professional non-raper, while you're just an enthusiastic amateur at best.

A judge in Los Angeles has awarded Michael Flatley an $11 million settlement after Flatley successfully claimed that Tyna Marie Robertson, a woman who had accused him of raping her in 2002, was a consentual partner who had her eyes on a million-dollar extortion scheme from the get-go.

However, thanks in part to a recollection of the "relaxed and happy" breakfast that Flatley and Robertson shared after the alleged rape, Michael Flatley's counter-suit following Tyna Marie Robertson's original failed lawsuit was a success, and Flatley had this to say about his court win:

"Ms Robertson tried to extort money from me by spreading these lies. The court sent a message that it will not tolerate these types of schemes." 

It's not known what Michael Flatley will spend his $11 million court winnings on, although it's expected that he plans to cover his face and body with the most expensive bright orange industrial woodstain he can find, along with purchasing anything else that can make his spectacular decade-long mid-life crisis even more blindingly obvious.

But the main point is that Michael Flatley is absolutely not a rapist at all, and from now on the only people feeling dirty and used after encounters with Michael Flatley will be anyone who goes to see one of his live shows, as halfway home they realise that they've basically a large amount of their weekly wage to watch a middle-aged man tit about in a PVC sailor's outfit for a couple of hours.

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Flatley wins $11m Over Rape Claim - BBC