If you get up really early then you may be lucky enough to hear the booming voice of a pensioner.

For a change, it won’t be the sound of an elderly person who’s fallen over and keeps moaning because their replacement leg has popped off and is rolling away from them. This time, it’ll be the screams of Michael Douglas as he beats his chest at the top of a hill and waves his cock around like a madman.

But why would he be doing that? Shouldn’t he be locked up in a poorly maintained nursing home counting down the days till he dies? Nope, not at all. You see, Michael Douglas bloody well loves sex. Nothing thrills him more than bonking away with his wife Catherine Zeta Jones. And what’s the secret to his drill-like penis? Good old fashioned Viagra that makes go from limp to a raging gimp. Possibly.

We’re sorry if you happen to be eating anything that resembles a penis. Of course we can’t be sure if that hot dog you’re chomping on is the same size and girth as Michael Douglas’s but we can’t ask his other half. She’ll presumably be lying there and hoping his ageing heart doesn’t collapse on him. After all, the poor sod is getting on a bit. He’s 65 for God’s sake. A speedy bus drive would be enough to shock him.

Some people have expressed cynicism towards Catherine Zeta Jones for marrying a man 25 years older than her. Honestly, when she brought him back to meet the parents for the first time, they must have thought she’d picked up a hitchhiker. That could have been his plan all along, to lull her into thinking that he was a defenceless old man and not a Viagra-munching sex maniac. We only imagine him to say this like an utter pervert when he told Now Magazine:

“God bless Catherine that she likes older guys. And some wonderful enhancements have happened in the last few years – Viagra, Cialis – that can make us all feel younger.”

Did he lick his lips and start fondling himself at the same time? We don’t want to know – purely because any visual evidence of him doing that sort of thing would be utterly terrifying. But do you want to be sickened further? Of course you do. Michael adds:

“I wince when I think I’ll be close to 75 when my daughter is 16. I’m not going to be able to physically chase the boys away.”

So when Michael Douglas’s kids are experimenting with drugs and getting drunk underage, it’ll be creepy to think that their dad will be chomping on willy pills to enhance his slong to put in his wife. Go on, just think about it for one moment. Two old people having sex and making the sort of noises that you’d hear when a fat person is about to collapse after a long run.

And the part about chasing boys? We won’t go there. Michael Jackson fans already hate us enough as it is.

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