Obviously, being on a classy reality television show such as “Real Housewives of New Jersey” means that Melissa Gorga is totally qualified to write a book. An advice book, actually. On happy marriages! Not only did her husband, Joe, allow her the privilege to leave the bedroom for anything other than sandwich making, but he graced her book with his own excerpts and interjections.
Love, Italian Style: The Secrets of My Hot and Happy Marriage is basically a scary insight into the Gorga’ obviously archaic and abusive relationship. Instead of making them sound like a couple others should strive to be, the book instead manages to somehow make Planet of the Apes offspring Theresa and her husband, Joe, seem somewhat stable.
There is just too much within this “book” to mock, but let’s take a stab at some of the best parts, shall we?
So, gem number one is that the Gorgas believe the word “no” is just a silly myth probably created by fat, hairy spinster feminists. In a happy marriage, there is saying no, at least where the wife is concerned. Especially when it comes to the bedroom.
“Men, I know you think your woman isn’t the type who wants to be taken. But trust me, she is. Every girl wants to get her hair pulled once in a while. If your wife says “no,” turn her around, and rip her clothes off. She wants to be dominated.
Women don’t realize how easy men are. Just give us what we want.”
Yea, women! What is your problem? How dare you bitches try and have opinions or feelings. You don’t own your body, your husband does the day he bought, excuse me, married you. The only things you are allowed to say no to are independence and chocolate cake. Cause men like Joe Gorga won’t be letting their woman be financially stable on their own or chunky. No inner thigh gap? Well then, your husband will not be happy. And if the man isn’t happy, then we learn all about gem number two!
Women- if your men yell at you, or break a mirror, or throw your cat down the stairs, it isn’t his fault. It’s yours. You obviously should have known better than to breathe without permission, or get a stretch mark after having his children. Cocoa butter that shit!
“If he gets one ounce of flack from me, he flips a switch and goes off. I know it’s not really about me, so I don’t get riled up. I supposed I could get angry back him for getting the bulk end of his problems. But then again, that’s what a spouse is for. You get to release your stress on someone you trust, who you know won’t hold it against you. He’ like to yell at a colleague, client, or employee. But he yells at me and doesn’t screw up a business deal. I can take it.”
This kind of shit is so fucking warped, it’s ridiculous. It’s a longer version of “I deserved it because I upset him.’ Yup women, you are basically a human punching bag so get the IcyHot ready for your limbs. Modify your behavior better and spread your legs even more and maybe you can avoid some of these issues.
Now, if you do your womanly duties correctly, you should be knocked up very soon! Which just means more work for you, ladies! YAY! And our next lovely gem.
“I don’t feed babies, or change the diapers. My father never wiped my ass, and I don’t wipe my babies’ either.”
Men ain’t got time for such lowly tasks. Their duty ends with blessing your vagina with his super manly seed! But for women like Melissa, that’s fine because if a man helps to actually raise his kids, he will start to suck in the sack.
“When gender roles are confused, sexual roles are, too. If he’s at the sink and then changing diapers, then who throws down in the bed? In our marriage, Joe is always the man, doing masculine things. I’m the woman, and I do the female things, including housework.”
Someone tell that shit to Ryan Gosling, because bitches be fainting at the sight of him and a huge part of his appeal is his feminine side. Hasn’t Melissa seen the “Hey Girl” memes?
And of course, the Gorgas plan on brainwashing their children to believe what they have is a healthy, loving relationship. They also plan to make sure their daughter knows from a very early age that she is the inferior sex and will not get the same freedoms her brothers do.
“My sons can have a separate entrance to the house. They can come and go as they wish. They can have anyone up to their room. I don’t care. But I want to keep my Antonia my little girl.”
But it’s okay you guys, because they see the unfairness in it all.
I know it’s a double standard but I just don’t care! I don’t see it so much as restricting Antonia, but as protecting her.”
Really after all of this, the best protection Antonia could receive would be to be sent to a boarding school far far away from her parents.