Mel B Sensibly Gets Married To Some New Bloke

All through the mess over Mel B, Eddie Murphy and the little Murphy baby growing inside Mel B, it was only natural to see Mel B as the more sensible partner, partly due to her lack of connections with transsexual prostitutes.

And, being the normal one, it was expected that Mel B would learn her lesson and back away from chronically impulsive love affairs in the future. And that's exactly what Mel B has don… wait, no it isn't. It's being reported that Mel B has buggered off to Las Vegas to get married to someone by the name of Stephen Belafonte, which you have to agree is a bit fast considering all she's been through. And you know what else? This happened two months ago. Mel B and Stephen Belafonte have been married since June, it's emerged. Still, you can't say that Mel B hasn't learnt some lessons at least - were it not for the Eddie Murphy experience, Mel B would have probably let Belafonte knock her up 18 times within those two months and/or cover her back with a giant tattoo of his face, although we can't be certain that that hasn't actually happened already.

Because Mel B got so famous so young as part of the Spice Girls a decade ago, it's hard to know if fame changed her or if she's always been a colossal idiot with men. The Jimmy Gulzar situation proved this a bit - Mel B met him, got married, had his kid, got divorced and called him gay - but not nearly as much as the Eddie Murphy situation. As if you needed reminding, Mel B met Eddie Murphy, got engaged to Eddie Murphy, got Eddie Murphy tattooed on her body and then got pregnant with Eddie Murphy's baby. From thereon in the story writes itself - Eddie Murphy dumped Mel B on TV then Mel B had her baby and tried to sue Eddie Murphy until he took a DNA paternity test.

And that's the end. Eddie Murphy has admitted that he's the father of Mel B's baby and now all sides involved can slink away and quietly learn from their mistakes in private. Or, alternatively, they can make exactly the same mistakes again but with different people to reinforce the public's perception of them both as ginormous numpties. First Eddie Murphy got engaged and now it's been reported that Mel B has been married to movie producer Stephen Belafonte since June. Forbes reports:

Spice Girl Melanie Brown, who gave birth to Eddie Murphy's daughter in April, married her boyfriend, Stephen Belafonte, in June, according to Clark County marriage records… A marriage certificate filed with Clark County, which encompasses Las Vegas, lists the date of the couple's nuptials as June 6. It does not state exactly where they were married. An email to Brown's publicist was not immediately returned.

We'd like to think that Mel B's publicist didn't return the email because were in turn spraying tea over their monitor in disbelief, slapping themselves on the forehead and shouting "She married?!" to an uncaring God.

According to our old friend the internet, Mel B's new husband Stephen Belafonte helped produce Thank You For Smoking, Sisters, and straight-to-video fourth sequel The Crow: Wicked Prayer, the movie that answered the question "What would a gothic film famous for killing Bruce Lee's son be like if you replaced Bruce Lee's son with Angel out of Buffy and Tara Reid?" with the word "shit."

As yet we don't know why Mel B married Stephen Belafonte so quickly, although past experience would tend to indicate that she's either pregnant or just wanted the word 'Belafonte' tattooed across her back in 72-pt Garamond. But don't go memorising Stephen Belafonte's name any time soon, will you? The Spice Girls reunion is still four months away, leaving Mel B plenty of time to acrimoniously divorce Belafonte, move to Armenia and systematically marry and divorce its entire male population one by one.

Read more: 

Spice Girl Brown Married Since June - Forbes