Megan Fox: No Wedding Ever, Or Something
Megan Fox knows that her appeal lies solely in the fact that she looks exactly like a mid-price inflatable sex doll.
And if, for any reason, she stopped being sexy – or at least stopped looking like a police sketch artist’s representation of what a sexy girl probably looks like, which is more accurate – then Megan Fox’s entire career would wither up and die.
So to help herself out a little, Megan Fox has decided to tell the world that she’s never getting married. Which is a bit of a bummer because Megan Fox has apparently just got engaged again. Whoops.
Despite reports to the contrary, Megan Fox isn’t sexy. She seems so precision engineered to give teenage boys permanent stiffies – she likes cars! She goes to Comic-Con! She once had a lesbian infatuation with a stripper! She has a freakishly elephantine mouth! Her surname could only be more Dickensian if she was called Megan Jollyknockers! – that we’re convinced that Megan Fox will one day unzip her skin and reveal herself t0 be Ashton Kutcher playing a horrific Ed Gein-style prank on the world. When that happens, after Kutcher has been kicked to death by the readership of Maxim magazine out of a collective sense of violent post-masturbatory guilt, it’s really going to take the shine off our day.
But despite being so unattainably perfect that she may as well be a clump of masonry or a tourist map of Antwerp or whatever for all the good it’d actually ever do anyone, people still find themselves invested in Megan Fox’s personal life. Specifically, they’re invested in how single Megan Fox is at the moment.
Because right now, it’s pretty hard to tell. For a while back there, Megan Fox had been engaged to Brian Austin Green, who many of you will recognise as the luckiest anonymous actor in the whole wide world. However, Megan and Brian’s relationship took a knock a couple of months ago when Megan Fox dumped Brian Austin Green and moved out of their house. If that piece of news passed you by, it doesn’t matter – apparently Megan and Brian recently got back together, got engaged again and have started looking for a new house.
And that’s it – Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green will get married and have children and everything will be peachy. Because that tends to be the knock-on consequence of getting engaged, right? Well, apparently not if you’re Megan Fox. Megan has told Extra:
“I’m not going to be married — I’m not the marrying type, and I know what your next question is going to be — you’re going to ask me, ‘Why are you engaged if you’re not the marrying type?’ I am impulsive and I love my boyfriend, but I have no plans of getting married any time soon.”
Why is Megan Fox stalling so much on the marriage issue? It could be that her recent split from Brian Austin Green has made her cautious of commitment. Or it could be that she thinks she’s too young to settle down. Or, who knows, it could be that Megan Fox knows perfectly well that she has all men so firmly in her pocket that if she declared in an interview that her biggest turn-on was the sight of grown men driving a tractor over their own testicles while being attacked in the face by a venomous snake, YouTube would become so overloaded with videos of that exact thing that it’d catch fire and burn down.
On reflection, it’s probably the first one.
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Dude, yer mean…but pretty spot-on about Megan Fox.
“mid-priced”???
“freakishly elephatine mouth???
“…isn’t sexy????
Gay men should not be allowed to write articles about sexy young starlets???
This guy is clearly gay, deranged, and in need glasses1
I agree with you, he seriously sounds jealous of megan fox. It’s quite sad.
Megan Fox: ticks all the right boxes without filling in any of the “additional information” fields.
I think you are right that she is trying to remain available to have more appeal in every male’s eyes and therefore get into more films…
This wannabe journalist/blogger is a moron and gosh is he a hater I mean just look at his picture of course he hates… but I have to agree on this matter that she would not get any REAL offers if she tied the knot or got knocked up.
I laughed so hard when Brian Austin Green’s character got shot in the face on that Terminator show. I haven’t watched since then, either. For me that’s the perfect ending to the series.
And I don’t like Megan Fox. Or any person who’s had actual physical contact with Shia LaBeouf. That kid freaks my shit out.
damn…this blogger dude is a big time hatter…those are some really mean things to say about anyone..get a life dude seriously…u are super gay…….
Stuart Heritage Who the hell is this boy it is so sad to see a boy so messed up like yourself what happen did daddy hug you to much or did mommy not hug you enough
You say the Name, Megan Fox and i get a stiffy.. haha g2g
*yawn*
I have a ton of girlfriends who all say the same thing. It’s just a desperate play for attention.
For all those who don’t recognize a well written piece of satire, lighten up. We all know she’s hot, but he’s right, it’s like she was created with a single-minded purpose. The only un-hot thing about her is she’s engaged to a washed up 90210 second banana who actually thought he could rap at one point.(The 90’s equivalent to K-Fed). I guess that’s the real reason why she’s claiming she’ll never marry.
Um, you guys? Why would you read a blog like hecklerspray and then whine and complain that the blogger is “mean” and “a hater” and “gay”??? In case you missed it, hecklersprray is meant to be funny. In a mean sort of way. So if you don’t like mean funny, don’t read hecklerspray. Seriously. Anyway, I think hecklerspray is hilarious. Rock on Stuart!
Hooray for my cavalry.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CB8a21k4eEU
For Megan Fox fans
you guys all suck at leaving responses, i would fuck her in the ass! any guy that disagrees with that is gay, if you think megan fox is anything but the hotest chick on the face of the earth you should quite your job, shaved your head buy a wig and audition in a gay porno because your a fagget!!!!!!
Ten years from now, as you look over at the once merely average looking woman (now sadly rendered haggard and worn by your ‘affections’) – you know, the one that you knocked up at the prom when you both had to be drunk enough to do each other without projectile vomiting, you may think back to this comment and laugh.
Well, in all likelihood you won’t…but I will.