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We must begin with an apology to the nation’s High School teachers: you are about to experience an outbreak amongst your male pupils of awkwardly hunched walking, unwillingness to stand up, and the drawing of hugely-penised human-like robots – bearing the faces of your pupils – rogering SciFi film heroines.

Sorry.

Relationship breakups ain’t easy. The last one hecklerspray was a part of ended up involving the police, a local hospital and – we can’t go into details here, we signed some pretty restrictive contracts – NATO. Suffice to say, none of ours have ever led to multiple offers of movie parts. Actually, they have, but not ones we’re proud of and we certainly aren’t going to go into details. We still have nightmares, and some aching around the back. That is all.

But Megan Fox would seem to be the exception to that anally painful rule. Not only has she managed to ditch her fiancee (a man who, like ‘Lee Ryan From Blue‘, has to introduce himself to his own parents as ‘Kevin…no, hang on…Brian, that’s it!..Brian! Brian from Megan and Brian! Please love me I miss you’) but, having done so, is now receiving Hollywood movie offers like billyo.

Anyway, the news is this: Megan Fox is all signed up for two new movies: Jonah Hex and Fathom. We’re sure that with the fiancee split-up and all, she’ll be wanting to move on from playing SciFi bimbo heroines to the more intellectual kind of film. Perhaps she’ll star in a remake of the French classic, Mes Amis De Printemp. Or maybe a Chekhov adaptation? Empiremovies, do you have any more information?

In the movie [Jonah Hex]…Fox would play Leila, a gun-wielding beauty and love interest of Hex, a scarred bounty hunter tracking a voodoo practitioner who wants to raise an army of undead to liberate the South

Well of course, merely a stepping stone to more serious material, yes?

In [Fathom], Fox is found abandoned on a ship and is adopted by a military man. She becomes a champion swimmer and marine biologist who comes of age realizing she has water-based powers and is part of an underwater race

Ah. Right.

This seems strange to us: what use could movies marketed towards adolescent boys, and men whose idea of an orgy means using both hands, possibly have for a pant-stretchingly beautiful female star? Oh, hang on, we’ve just got it. The female co-star provides a feminine-nuanced counterpoint to the masculine lead, enabling emotional expressions which would otherwise be subsumed by an all-male viewpoint.

That, and the wanking.

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