Hiroshimically unfunny, Mof has based his entire career on slightly irking people. He’s been doing it professionally for over a decade. It really is ludicrous. He’s written for a load of publications, big and small, but to crow about it here feels like dick-swinging and no-one likes doing that (apart from stand-up comics, and no-one hates them as much as they loathe themselves). Why on Earth are you still reading this?

Michael Park is a world-renowned Clouseau-alike who scrawls the first draft of all of his articles in blood on a whiteboard. He was recently held responsible for tampering with Sean Kingson’s jet ski and- as such- was promoted to Deputy Editor of the site.

A semi-professional snark merchant, he used to be editor of ‘Scheidt’s Footballing Miscellany‘ but now focusses his energy on hecklerspray and shouting at buses. You might have come across him stammering his way through an interview on BBC World Service or writing nonsensical editorials on more websites than he cares to remember. More than likely though, you’ve just read rumours about his love-making prowess scratched into walls of toilet cubicles all over the country.

When Matthew Laidlow is not painfully cosying up to hecklerspray editors by tenderly feeding them cake, he can be found saving the world. By the world, we actually mean that he’s the guardian of erotic dancers the world over. He goes by the name of Wally Man and the safety of sex workers is paramount. Alas, thus far, he’s not managed to save a single life, but at least he enjoys the attention it can sometimes bring. He’s one of hecklerspray’s most prolific writers and has angered more Michael Jackson fans than that doctor fella who injected the popstar with bad shit.

Born of a jackal, Joanna Bolouri has been blessed with an inability to write anything remotely serious.

She recently won a BBC comedy script competition which she craftily throws into conversation to get boys to like her, and can often be found in Glasgow walking around on her legs, looking happy and contented but secretly sulking inside and wishing she was Florence Welch or Dexter.

When she’s not being mean to celebrities because they’re better looking than her, she actively campaigns for a worldwide ban on chat acronyms through the medium of interpretive dance and shouting. Find her here.

Kris Silver is a man filled with hate; he hates everyone and everything in equal measure, except for bacon sandwiches and the film Mean Girls. Seriously, he probably hates you just because you read this bio about him, that’s just the sort of person he is. Kris is a London based former newspaper photographer turned new media bod producing online content for one of the UK’s biggest television channels. In his spare time Kris acts as editor for Grinds My Gears, works as a freelance designer and brand consultant, takes photos of people for money and hurls abuse at strangers. He’s a bit like Nathan Barley, only taller and angrier.

Jacki Evans is on a mission to prove to everyone that watching TV isn’t a waste of time and is actually a viable career choice. By everyone, she means her school careers service. They made her to go to university and get a proper job. She’s still bitter.

She lives in London, but only really sees the bits that the BBC film and then broadcast out to her. She spends her spare time blogging too much, and trying to get revenge on Sophie Hall for sending her a video of Alex Reid in a porno.

Paul’s life has been a series of bitter disappointments and utter failures. A man of few redeeming qualities, he is an emotionally barren empty shell that spends his days despising everything he encounters and his evenings spent staring blankly at the ceiling trying to remember when it first started to go wrong. Don’t bother talking to him – he’s not in the mood.

Si has been amusing other people and offering unrequested opinions for a few years on a not-for-profit basis. His moustache is not ironic and he does not live in London.

Lauren likes music and films. She has tried to play guitar, keyboard, and harmonica. She tried to make a film involving politics and corporate corruption. It didn’t end well. She now slates both things on a regular basis at numerous unpaid cyber locations because being mean to those who try to produce things that could potentially ‘do good’ is entertaining. Lauren entered the Guardian’s International Development Journalism competition once when she was trying to be a serious writer; she didn’t win. Her biggest achievement is still from when she was 15 and had about two sentences published in NME and no it wasn’t on the letters page you cheeky cyst.

Lauren always assumes she is the coolest person in the room and that everybody else has some innate flaw that they don’t know about, Lauren talks about these flaws behind your backs.

There was a time when Shawn Lindseth wrote a ton for hecklerspray every week, then he went on a rampage (see picture) and was sent to prison after a very short jury deliberation. Now all he does is write a weekly feature about aliens and monsters, and sit in his cell making crudely animated cartoons – remember Daeth by Dislexya? Well two more should be coming in the relatively near future.

In closing, Shawn would like to thank his prison wife for all his support.

Very little is known about Robin Darke. He just kinda appeared one day and started mouthing off about the terrible things that rattle around that pea-brain of his. He’s written about clothes and for Holy Moly. You can hurl obscenities at him on twitter, natch.

A loser of the highest order, Lady Robotnik attracts disaster in the same way prehistoric millionaires attract pneumatic blondes. She lives by the motto ‘if a man and a woman eat from the same beetroot, they will fall in love’. She has three claims to fame and not one of them is very good. She once posed as Chelsy Davy with a Prince Harry lookalike in a photo shoot for a men’s magazine.

She was asked by Xzibit to stop making ‘Pimp My Ride’ jokes before buying her a milkshake. She once fell down a flight of stairs after being touched by Ed Sheeran. When she’s not wasting time on the internet, she can be found perfecting her ‘arm-bra’ technique and eating things covered in cheese.

Euan is the relative youngster of hecklerspray, but what he lacks in age, he makes up for in human disillusionment and handsomeness. Sometimes he likes to mention that he wrote for the Guardian once, but it was like, an internship and it wasn’t really a big deal, but some girls have responded well to it. This aside, he’s mainly horrible about musicians/a fair and subjective reviewer for The Fly, but is also a journalism student who used to work on Scheidt’s Footballing Miscellany. 

He hates when people criticise him for listening to “too much” hip-hop and being vegetarian, so just leave it out, yeah?

Becca Day-Preston is hideously socially awkward and will always accidentally hug you at just the wrong angle, so that your well-intentioned cheek-kiss will land either on her ear or neck. She writes for whoever will let her, including Holy Moly and on bus shelters with a Sharpie.

When she’s not obsessively Wikipedia-ing plot synopses for films she will never watch, Becca likes to do crude stick man drawings of superheroes attacking historical figures with improbable weapons. Oh, and she knows that her initials, DP, are a bit rude, so quit it, okay?

Stuart Heritage used to be the editor of hecklerspray, but a proper newspaper stole him and turned him, almost overnight, into a dead-eyed shit head. Stuart writes for The Guardian, other magazines and a load of TV shows you either didn’t like or didn’t watch. If you miss him terribly, get in touch with him here.