What’s your favourite rock n’ roll fantasy? Is it that you’re married to Cher? It would go some way to explaining why you keep creeping into her bedroom, at least.
Perhaps it’s that Kurt Cobain is still alive? That’s cool, but it does mean we would probably have been denied Foo Fighters, who have had more hits and are therefore almost certainly better than Nirvana.
What? Your favourite rock n’ roll fantasy involves noodling on a guitar in a windowless studio with a sweaty old man for hours at a time? Then you might want to get your Mojo-loving arse along to Rock N’ Roll Fantasy Camp.
Rock N’ Roll Fantasy Camp is the musical equivalent of signing up for a ride into space with Richard Branson. Like Virgin Galactic it's for people who have so much money scattered around their abodes they’re on the verge of using ?50 notes as bogroll, but in the case of Rock N? Roll Fantasy Camp it's for overgrown adolescent “axe”-wielders rather than overgrown adolescent science geeks.
For around $10,000, punters can sign up to a “camp” at which they can “jam” with superstar rockers, make their own recordings at Abbey Road and perform at legendary venues such as Liverpool?s Cavern Club.
The word “camp” suggests accommodation comes in the shape of an Argos-tented forest clearing in which you have to share a bedroll with Eric Clapton, but in fact you're expected to sort out your own lodgings on top of the cost of the rock n? roll funtimes.
One thing’s for sure – the upcoming session of Rock N’ Roll Fantasy Camp will allow ageing men to jam with some very famous and equally old rock stars. Meat Loaf, Jon Anderson of Yes and Ace Frehley of Kiss have all signed up, meaning men who forwent multimillionaire rock star lifestyles for multimillionaire banker/lawyer lifestyles will be able to compare crow?s feet and discuss haemorrhoid treatments up close and personal with their heroes.
And in case you’re thinking this is just a way of fleecing mid-midlife crisis victims who desperately want to return to a time before they got married, divorced, married and divorced again, you should know that the website promises 10+ hours of jamming a day.
Now, to some people that might suggest the “fantasy” in the package’s title should be replaced with the word “boot”; but there are souls out there – corpulent souls, mainly – who love nothing more than resting a Fender on their paunch and widdling away for hours on end. It’s less exhausting than masturbating these days you see, which comes with those wearisome Viagra-induced highs and lows, and the end result might be a really cool “track” as opposed to a soiled towel.
The London leg of Rock N’ Roll Fantasy Camp takes place in May 2010, with prices starting at $1,799 for “The Groupie Package”: all the evening activities of the full $10,000 package, but with “transportation to and from cool London sites during the day to make sure your spouse in (sic) enjoying the city”.
Hard to turn down really, the option to label your boring old spouse a groupie for a few days. It doesn’t necessarily mean she’s going to do that thing you’ve spent 25 years attempting to get her to try, though.
If the London jaunt is too far away, Hollywood has Rock N’ Roll Fantasy Camps in November 2009 and February 2010 ? just be aware that your new rock star pals only remain alive by living purely on wheatgrass juice, so you might not want to get your hopes up on the rock n? roll debauchery front.
This was a guest blog by Stuart Waterman of My Chemical Toilet. Him good. It good.