We were this close to signing Sir Paul McCartney to our awesomely themed-record company – this close we tell you! But apparently the former Beatle doesn't think he belongs on a publicity-hungry label that forces its artists to get mild heart attacks medically induced in the CNN lobby three days before every single album release. The drummer from Hanson though, our people tell us he's thinking about it.
Starbucks, apparently, is the 'obvious' company to work for. We heard Paul McCartney picked them because they were 'groovy' and 'totally hip, man,' but whatever. Our offer came with a box full of puppies and an in-studio masseuse – coffee's not gonna get those knots out Paul! No doubt McCartney will get all the free swirly straws and stupid creamers he wants, and he probably pictures himself sipping some three-flavoured drink while he drives a hybrid into the sunset or something – but c'mon! A box full of puppies?!
Stupid hippies are supposed to love that crap!
Right this very moment in Starbucks coffee shops the world over, missing-limbed groupies are getting totally revved for a crack at being the next Mrs. McCartney. Those would-be brides-to-be should be warned though, because that title comes with many obligations – like allegedly getting stabbed in the arm, enduring Rod Stewart tongue lashings and maybe having to suck the fuzz off a baby seal.
Starbucks has just joined forces with the Concord Music Group to form a record label called Hear Music. Their first signing is Paul McCartney, who's gonna release an album real quick-like. Their next signing will probably be everyone ever kicked off American Idol. We don't know that. Don't anybody sue us now.
Of his latest album McCartney says:
"I've been working on it for a little while. The songs are a little bit retrospective, some are of now, and some hark back to the past. All of them are songs I'm very proud of."
Some song titles he either did or didn't list as album inclusions are: I'm Just Saying I Think It's Dumb To Buy An Entire Pair Of Socks If You Know You'll Only Wear One Of Them, a more eclectic-sounding £10000 A Day? What The Hell Are You Doing With It?, a two-minute ditty simply titled Foot Rub, and the surprisingly bluesy You Hobbled On My Heart.
Yeah! Take that one legged people – and stop serving the devil!