Rap is one of those genres where, if you don't have the look, you look like a complete bellend.
In the early nineties, you could get away with making a total twit of yourself in a video by randomly dancing around. MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice pulled this off without even trying. Sadly, their careers dried up and we got introduced to modern day rap idiots like 50 Cent and Eminem.
But the original monkeys of rap are back and if you happen to be unlucky enough to live in Utah, you can go to the gig!
With tickets costing $29.50 – $35.50 we?d expect a mega-exciting entrance from at least one of the artists. The production budget may not stretch for both of them. Racking our brains, we believe we've come up with the perfect way for both Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer to burst onstage in spectacular fashion:
Vanilla Ice ? Well its easy isn't it? Once the stage lights go down, the tinkle of a bell can be heard getting louder and louder. From nowhere, an ice-cream van appear and outcome multiple dancing lollies. Dressed as a giant vanilla fudge sundae, our rap hero rises up from the floor and belts out his one hit.
MC Hammer ? After forcing multiple Chinese children in a Beijing sweatshop to stitch his old trousers together, our big pant-wearing rapper of the past parachutes down from the rafters to a crowd of dazed onlookers.
Do you think this will happen on February 27th when the two perform together at the McKay Events Centre in Orem? We hope so, because we?d hate for them to do something stupid like Jessica Simpson and forget the words to a song. Or go completely arse over tit like Beyonce and fall down some stairs.
We know that you won't be hunting for loose change to raise the funds to go and see the Vanilla Ice or MC Hammer perform. But wait, it gets better! Imagination has gone into the gig, as the following is going to be provided. Are you ready? Hold your shit together for this morsel of news from Digital Spy:
?Hammer will perform with 24 dancers and a full choir?.
That's right! He will have people popping some booty-shaking moves whilst a group of bemused singers look on and wish they hadn?t given up their Friday night.
This time it's a combination of MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice. How long before we see 50 Cent and Eminem performing in shopping centres and opening shoe shops? Billed as the ‘Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I'm Angry And Only Talk About Things From My Past Tour’ it'll see the two harping on about being shot multiple times and how rubbish they think their parents are.
With two failing rappers on this bill, it remains to be seen if Chris Brown joins MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice. Ever since allegedly slapping hiss missus around, Chris has been dropped from chewing gum and milk adverts. Maybe all that calcium gave him extra powerful arms for punching and stronger teeth for biting. Supposedly.
Mithaearon says
Fuck yes you can’t touch this ice ice baby!
Shooty* says
Will it ever stop?
Yo, I don’t know.
Word to your mother.
Ironlung says
MC Hammer + Vanilla Ice = Teh pwnage
fixed
MatthewLaidlowIsaFuckingFag! says
You’re a dumbass! seriously…it’s funny that you talk shit about people when you probably make less in a year than these 2 are gonna make in this one night! Oh and as for eminem and 50….never gonna happen because they’re both filthy fuckin rich and great at what they do. well.. i just thought i’d post my opinion! have fun being a fuckin nobody the rest of your life!
thanks for wasting my time says
Yeah lets compare MC Hammer\Vanilla Ice to Eminem one of the greatest lyricists ever across any genre. Stick to journalism on this no-named website… it fits you well.
bishop.83 says
So Eminem and 50 are rap idots, go ahead and glorify hasbeens like U2, way easier than to open your mind to anything else than your cheesy rock-pop!!
clarkee says
congrats on an awesome article.
The Dread Pirate Sausage! says
The girl in the weight loss ad claiming to have lost “25lbs of stomach fat in only one month!” looks better fat.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!
Good night and good luck!
Shooty* says
MatthewLaidlowIsaFuckingFag! being, presumably, Barrack Obama, Bill Gates, Lance Armstrong or someone of that ilk.
Or, perhaps, a poorly educated cretin living at home with mummy. You decide.
The Dude says
Um, excuse me, author of this article IS A COMPLETE TOOL. Can you please get some decent writers with actual thoughtful insights to contribute decent articles to your website? Thanks
Josh says
This article is so lame. Why so much hate and snark? It isn’t appealing. I live in Utah and it is beautiful here. Snowy mountains and clean air. Nothing wrong with it.
I also had friends that went to the Vanilla Ice / MC Hammer concert for kicks and said it was amazing. It was a packed house. People came out in retro 80s and 90s clothes. They said that both artists were extremely gracious and funny. They carried on a dialogue with the audience. Performed their old hits and new songs. These guys were happy and healthy. Hammer brought his son onstage to dance with them. Vanilla Ice thanked everyone for coming and said how much it meant to him that everyone was there. My friends said it was like a high school reunion and that despite the huge crowd, the performers were so personable that it was like Hammer came over to their house it was so intimate.
I don’t know about Eminem or 50 Cent performing in a mall, but who care if they do? As long as they are happy and they are bringing joy into the lives of the people who want to see them, that’s fine by me. You should really try not to be such an asshole. You’ll be a lot happier.
Chris says
Loser writer is lose. Fail, fail, fail.
Hatin’ on these guys? These guys still do what they do, and they love. Big fat shocker that people still love them? Get over it, bro.
iskalawag says
Too Legit to Quit…..
Don says
u are a completely idiot if u say 50 cent is good rapper.
che says
you lied to me, it didn’t happen like this at all. I was hoping to see the Iceman in all his glory busting out in a fudge sundae, but instead I was only treated to see regular Vanilla Ice, not the fudge variety