Rap is one of those genres where, if you don’t have the look, you look like a complete bellend.

In the early nineties, you could get away with making a total twit of yourself in a video by randomly dancing around. MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice pulled this off without even trying. Sadly, their careers dried up and we got introduced to modern day rap idiots like 50 Cent and Eminem.

But the original monkeys of rap are back and if you happen to be unlucky enough to live in Utah, you can go to the gig!

With tickets costing $29.50 – $35.50 we’d expect a mega-exciting entrance from at least one of the artists. The production budget may not stretch for both of them. Racking our brains, we believe we’ve come up with the perfect way for both Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer to burst onstage in spectacular fashion:

Vanilla Ice – Well its easy isn’t it? Once the stage lights go down, the tinkle of a bell can be heard getting louder and louder. From nowhere, an ice-cream van appear and outcome multiple dancing lollies. Dressed as a giant vanilla fudge sundae, our rap hero rises up from the floor and belts out his one hit.

MC Hammer – After forcing multiple Chinese children in a Beijing sweatshop to stitch his old trousers together, our big pant-wearing rapper of the past parachutes down from the rafters to a crowd of dazed onlookers.

Do you think this will happen on February 27th when the two perform together at the McKay Events Centre in Orem? We hope so, because we’d hate for them to do something stupid like Jessica Simpson and forget the words to a song. Or go completely arse over tit like Beyonce and fall down some stairs.

We know that you won’t be hunting for loose change to raise the funds to go and see the Vanilla Ice or MC Hammer perform. But wait, it gets better! Imagination has gone into the gig, as the following is going to be provided. Are you ready? Hold your shit together for this morsel of news from Digital Spy:

“Hammer will perform with 24 dancers and a full choir”.

That’s right! He will have people popping some booty-shaking moves whilst a group of bemused singers look on and wish they hadn’t given up their Friday night.

This time it’s a combination of MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice. How long before we see 50 Cent and Eminem performing in shopping centres and opening shoe shops? Billed as the ‘Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I’m Angry And Only Talk About Things From My Past Tour’ it’ll see the two harping on about being shot multiple times and how rubbish they think their parents are.

With two failing rappers on this bill, it remains to be seen if Chris Brown joins MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice. Ever since allegedly slapping hiss missus around, Chris has been dropped from chewing gum and milk adverts. Maybe all that calcium gave him extra powerful arms for punching and stronger teeth for biting. Supposedly.

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