The US Prison in Cumberland, MD isn't a perfect institution by any stretch of the imagination. We will say this about it though, of all the prisons we've ever been incarcerated in for three years or more at a time, Cumberland absolutely positively has the best tater tots we've ever tasted.
We were sceptical at first as the plate containing them slid under our half-ton steel door. They were piled in a sloppy pyramid next to green beans and some tough chicken. We pushed them around with our fork for a bit, then stabbed one to bring it up for a sniff. It smelled potato-ish, this was refreshing. Also, we individually spun a dozen of them on our right-pointy finger at the same time. This looked totally awesome. Then we used the tater tots to circumvent the in-house security system and knock out lots of guards until we gained our freedom.
Once outside the perimeters, we touched the sweet sweet tots to our lips and experienced a taste explosion unparallelled by any we'd ever experienced before. When we came to we realised this was because we'd coincidentally been tazed just then, but still. The tots were good, man.
Actually, none of that was true. We've never been to prison, and if we had we're sure we'd be permanently too scared to eat. Our potato review stands though, because you don't need to taste a tot to know it'd be delicious. It's kind of the way Maxim reviews albums apparently – without listening to them at all. It seems they did that to the Black Crowes just recently here.
Usually when any of the Black Crowes make a hecklerspray story it's because they're all dating Owen Wilson at the same time again or something. That happened once until the drummer wanted Wilson all to himself. Then there was talk of a band break-up and people started shooting up with liquefied pixie stix and stuff. It got ugly. Wilson made it really ugly.
We think that's how it went. We actually don't have specifics. This time, though, the band made it onto hecklerspray because they are about to release their first album in seven years – it's called Warpaint. The album has a song-by-song plot in which the protagonist keeps slicing open the chests of evil 1950s style red communist devils until justice is finally restored in track 12. It's actually pretty moving except #7 – that one's just an over-indulgent pile in which the main guy longs for his motherland. Gay.
We haven't heard it actually, but neither has Maxim magazine, who wrote a review of it any way. They gave it 2 1/2 stars out of five, and said:
"…it hasn’t left Chris Robinson and the gang much room for growth."
The problem there is actual review copies of the album haven't been issued by the band yet – they're all probably sitting in a pile on a desk at Black Crowe HQ. This can mean only three things – either the reviewer illegally downloaded a leaked copy, he's a future-seeing gypsy woman, or he hasn't even heard it but got paid for his review anyway. The band's manager stated he was told by the magazine the review was an 'educated guess.'
That sounds brilliant to us. Reviewing without knowing would make our jobs so much easier. For instance, Indiana Jones' crystal skull movie is pretty good until you realise that noise is actually Ford's bones creaking. Also, Tupac's next inevitable posthumous record is made of spliced cuts from a Shakur family 1981 Christmas video tape. At first the thrill of a young rapper opening presents is invigorating, but once you realise there's only like two rhymes for Legos… blah. And finally, in 2011 Kellogg's is gonna put out a honey-touched cereal flavoured solely by actual bee stings. It's pretty good if you like a closed throat.
2 1/2 stars on all accounts.
Read More:
The Black Crowes Slam Maxim On Album “Review” – Live Daily
Snapper Winston says
Ffs.
Snapper Winsten says
Hey, that commenter stole my identity and then made a comment that didn’t make any sense. Maybe he made the comment before he read the article…
Hard To Handle says
I’m happy to support any reviewer dissing the Black Crowes without listening to the CD first. My opinion of the Crowes has never actually improved by listening to the music.
Now if Chris Robinson were to start dating Britney Spears, now, that would be fun. The music would still be rubbish, but I’d pay more attention to the band that way.
gir says
Maybe he thought they were the Counting Crows. Because why would you even need to listen?