Marvel Comics (books), the haven for friendless geeks who want to withdraw from the real world, has announced that it is to start producing it’s own films.
The company was more or less bankrupt seven years ago, but it managed to claw it’s way back into profit by licensing their characters to Hollywood studios. This has meant we’ve got to see fantastic movies like Spiderman (DVDs), but also celluloid dog-turds like Daredevil (DVDs).
In theory, Marvel making it’s own films is a good thing. Hopefully, having created the characters in the first place, their quality-control will be top-notch. However, they’ve got 5,000 characters, and just exactly how many superhero movies do we need?
There’s a worry that the Marvel executives will start getting dollar signs in their eyes, and start making hundreds of crappy conveyor-belt movies about their most rubbish characters. Basically, they might become the Superhero Carry On (DVDs).
The signs aren’t good. First film to be made will be Captain America. In these times of global suspicion, a film about a man dressed up in a lycra stars and stripes costume and being the best human in the world might raise a few eyebrows.
But lets’s give them another chance. What’s the second film they’re making? Oh dear, it’s about Nick Fury, probably the crappiest superhero in the world. He can captain any boat in the world! He has a gang of foolhardy commandos! He’s so crap that David Hasslehoff once played him in a TV movie.
What other Marvel heroes will be turned into movies? How about Khoryphos? He can play any musical instrument in the galaxy! Or Frigga? She’s the Goddess of marriage who can benchpress 20 tons!
We’re just picking at random here – there are 5000 of these divvies that could potentially be made into films.
So Marvel, please, please have some dignity. After all, there’s nothing in the world as terrifying as an angry geek. Except maybe Justin Hammer!
[story by Stuart Heritage]