Martin Scorsese Wiggles His Strap-On At Paramount

Martin Scorsese couldn't be riding any higher at the moment. The Departed is his biggest-opening film of all time and - in Jack Nicholson's prosthetic penis - he's created a character so endearing that it should have its own range of children's merchandise.

And this success means that the movie studios are sniffing around Martin Scorsese like, well, like movie studios around a successful, gigantic-eyebrowed film director. Namely Paramount - the studio that recently fired Tom Cruise for being a massive freaky loonspaz - which has just signed Martin Scorsese up to a $10 million, four-year deal to give it first rights on any new movie, documentary or TV show that he decides to make. Now it's just a toss-up what Martin Scorsese will do next; the Rolling Stones documentary, the movie about persecution of Christians in 17th century Imperial Japan or the Jack Nicholson's Singing Strap-On Doo-Daa children's cartoon series.

Paramount has been in the news a lot recently, mainly thanks to 83-year-old Viacom chief Sumner Redstone sacking Tom Cruise from Paramount for the entirely logical reason that his wife said all women hate him. Now that Tom Cruise has been handed control of United Artists in order to make 250 films about short Scientologists running everywhere really fast and shouting a lot, though, Paramount has a lot of egg on its face, and it badly needs a hitmaker.

Step forward Martin Scorsese, the man behind greats like Raging Bull, Goodfellas, Taxi Driver, The King Of Comedy, er, Kundun… the video to Bad by Michael Jackson… you know, the greats. After almost but not quite winning Oscars for Gangs Of New York and The Aviator, this year Martin Scorsese returned to doing what he did best - making slick, violent, profanity-filled crime movies. The Departed was an exceptional film - not because of its continued box office success or the scene-stealing, haiku-inspiring inclusion of Jack Nicholson's strap-on cock - but because it somehow made Mark Wahlberg look not quite as shit as usual. Incredible.

Now Martin Scorsese and Paramount are joining forces in a four-year first-look deal worth $10 million, as BBC News reports:

The studio will pay $2.5m (£1.3m) a year in return for being given the first chance to back his projects. The Hollywood Reporter said the four-year deal was intended to foster a "talent-friendly" environment. Paramount chairman and chief executive Brad Grey was one of the producers of The Departed. He said: "I was eager to create a home here for Marty, who is one of the greatest film-makers in the world." In a statement, Scorsese pointed to his "great personal relationship" with Grey and said, "I am looking forward to working with him at Paramount, a studio rich in cinematic history".

Or, if we decode these statements, Paramount wants Martin Scorsese to make more films about swearing policemen shooting each other, while Martin Scorsese is going to earn $10 million for slowly wanking out one overlong movie about Japanese priests silently questioning the existence of God. Sounds like a deal to us.

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Scorsese in four-year studio deal - BBC