Martha Stewart Makes Christmas CDs, Takes Another Step Closer To Global Domination

An admission: hecklerspray has never heard the voice of Martha Stewart. Not in a creepy spiritual, ‘hear the voice of Jesus’ way - we’ve actually never heard her talk.

As enormous as she is in America, she’s just never had a TV show broadcast in Britain. So, if we don’t really know anything about her, why do we keep writing about her? Because her daytime talkshow basically sounds completely deranged - tomorrow she’s going to teach Jessica Alba how to cook with apples, and this Friday she’s going to make flowers out of a pair of jeans.

Now she’s announced the release of a number of Martha Stewart Christmas compilation CDs featuring aural travesties by Barry Manilow and Mariah Carey.

As well as her nutty daytime show, Martha Stewart (Books) is also busy with her
series of The Apprentice, which sounds terrifying. At least
the Trump-fronted show displays it’s nastiness for everyone to see.
Martha, on the other hand, is more sinister: she’s all superficial smiles and letters of
apology, but cross her at your doom. When a woman tried to cry in the
boardroom last week, Martha apparently snapped "Cry and you are out of
here. Women in business don’t cry, my dear."

To somehow triangulate the two opposing images of Martha - the
cooing, nice to fashionable pigs, daytime Martha and the evil business cyborg Apprentice Martha - she’s announced a new music division of her
company: Martha Stewart Living Music.

Martha Stewart Living Music will release compilation albums for
national holidays and special occasions, starting with Martha Stewart
Living Music: The Holiday Collection; a 3CD box set of pop, jazz and
classical Christmas songs. The box-set will apparently come packaged
with 30 recipe cards, craft ideas and decorating tips. A DVD of the time that Diddy taught Martha how to rap as she taught him how to wrap presents would also be nice, but unlikely.

The question is - do we need another Christmas album in a world
where we already have the three all-time essential festive recordings -
A Christmas Gift For You From Phil Spector (CDs), Funky Christmas by James
Brown (CDs) and Stereo Percussion De Noel by Herman Apple Ses Carillons Et
Ses Percussions? Only time will tell.

Read more:

Holiday Set Returns Martha Stewart To Compilations - Billboard

[story by Stuart Heritage]