Marie Osmond’s Son Goes To Non-Fainty Rehab

You just can't get rid of Marie Osmond at the moment - if she's not selling creepy china dolls on television shopping channels or passing out on live TV then she's telling the world that her son is in rehab.

During an appearance on Larry King, Marie Osmond confessed that her 16-year-old son Michael has entered rehab. Quite what Michael Osmond has gone to rehab for is another matter - an addiction to toothpaste, maybe, or smiling. Perhaps Michael Osmond doesn't have an addiction problem at all and just wanted to go to rehab to whistle sunny tunes at the nervous, jumpy, detoxing heroin addicts to help show them that life can be just as darned wonderful as heck if you keep a happy song in your heart. Or maybe Michael Osmond is hooked on hard drugs and alcohol. We just don't know.

Since her 1970s heyday as a toothsome country singer extolling the virtues of horticulture-based origami to a culturally-unaware America, Marie Osmond disappeared from everyone's radar for a while. The bulk of the population didn't even know that Marie Osmond was on Dancing With The Stars until she went pink and keeled over on live TV last month, but now that Marie Osmond is back in the public eye, nothing's going to get her to let go.

And Marie Osmond is quite prepared to tell the world all about her rehab-bound 16-year-old adopted son to stay there if that's what it takes. This week, fresh from writing a chapter of her autobiography Hey! Remember Me? I'm That Woman Who Fell Over On TV Last Month. My Brother's Donny Osmond! Marie Osmond appeared on Larry King, where she was asked about Michael's predicament out of nowhere. After stumbling through a response on TV, Marie Osmond has put out this statement:

"My son Michael is an amazing young man, shown through his courage in facing his issues. As his mother, I couldn't be more proud of him. The press and public have always been kind and gracious in the past, and I know they will continue to respect our privacy during this time."

Michael Osmond's rehab rounds out a tough week for Marie, whose father also died recently. And it's just the tip of the iceberg as far as family problems go. In the last couple of years Marie Osmond reportedly tried to kill herself, split up with her husband of 20 years and had to deal with two of her adopted teenage daughters tell all of MySpace that they were either bisexual nymphomaniacs or slutwhores with David Bowie fetishes. That last one's not such a surprise, though - it's always the Mormons you have to watch out for.

But at least Marie Osmond doesn't have the most messed-up family in the Osmond clan - that title goes to the family of Little Jimmy Osmond, who decided to mark their father's entrance onto a reality TV show by giving him a teddy bear with glowing devil eyes and the voice of a million dispossessed children. And we'd rather take rehab, fainting, suicide attempts and slutty teenagers over a nightmarish gift like that.