Don?t recognise the name of the person in the article heading? Don?t worry, most people don?t either. It?s only when you mention that she?s the alleged bearer of Justin Bieber?s child that causes people?s ears to prick up.
In a strange way, we kinda like this paternity situation because Bieber went totally badass on her. He must have grown some balls or at last spouted a few pubes as he has promises to sue her for spreading these rumours.
Alas, the DNA test seems to be taking bloody ages to come back, which seems odd. We wouldn?t have thought that a few samples of a spit could take so long to analyse, especially given that Bieber is hardly old enough to have formed that much DNA. If they were British, they?d have the results fairly rapidly thanks to Jeremy Kyle. He can do them in 20 minutes, like developing Polaroids. Assuming that Bieber was able to maintain and use and erection, he will be thrilled to hear that his bundle of baby is allegedly living with a mother who takes drugs. Shock! Horror!
Some people claim ? and it isn?t those who are close to Bieber – that he couldn?t possibly father a child. It doesn?t take a genius to work out that a seven year old couldn?t possibly produce anything other fluid other than urine from his penis. The suggestion that he fancies women is basically obscene. As far as he?s concerned, girls are ?smelly? and ?kisses carry diseases.?
But even if everything claimed by Mariah Yeater turned out to be true, we?d be amazed on a couple of fronts. Not because she wasn?t a psycho looking for a cheap payday, but because the hilarious circumstances involved in their sexy time were true. She was quoted as saying:
?Immediately, it was obvious that we were mutually attracted to one another, and we began to kiss. Shortly thereafter, Justin Bieber suggested that I go with him to a private place where we could be alone.?
?I agreed to go with him and on the walk to a private area, he told me he wanted to make love to me and this was going to be his first time.?
?We went inside and immediately his personality changed drastically. He began touching me and repeatedly said he wanted to f*** the s*** out of me. At the time I asked him to put a condom for protection, but he insisted that he did not want to.?
?In his own words, he said that because it was his first time he wanted to ?feel everything.”
So when this whole messy situation is over, can?t we at least think of the innocent child involved? Being used as a pawn so his mother can make a pot of money is something that?ll probably haunt him in later life. Everyone who writes for hecklerspray was sired by negligent celebrity one-night stands. Why on Earth do you think we’re this bitter?
But according to reports, it doesn?t seem that Mariah Yeater is a perfect mother. Footage which hasn?t been released yet, meaning that THIS MIGHT NOT BE TRUE suggests that Yeater smoked pot infront of a toddler and said:
?We’re about to get high! Burning weed, burning weed.?
Of course we don?t know if she was smoking the green whilst growing a baby human inside of her, but friends of Yeater have told Star magazine in America that she:
?May have smoked marijuana once or twice while carrying Tristyn.?
You’d have to be stoned to pick a dreadful name like that. Anyway, fear not Mariah! In the UK you?ll probably end up being crowned mother of the year. After all Katie Price has bagged the prize despite whoring out her own family to make a career whilst Kerry Katona has won despite being a financial and drugged up mess.
There?s hope for us all it seems.