Now that she’s got married to Nick Cannon, Mariah Carey has thrown out the celebrity rulebook.

Everyone knows that the celebrity courting ritual involves an absurdly quick marriage to someone you just met, then an equally quick divorce followed by the adoption of an African kid who you decide to name Jifrizznia Grundlequack and then raise alone, filling it with a warped notion of reality that will ruin their lives when they grow up.

Not Mariah Carey, though – after her absurdly quick marriage to Nick Cannon, Mariah Carey apparently wants to skip the divorce and go straight to the child section. And get this, Mariah Carey doesn’t even want to adopt one – she wants to play god and grow a baby in her own stomach. Looks like it might be time for Mariah Carey to start taking her nutty pills again.

Remember when Mariah Carey’s wedding to Nick Cannon was a secret? Remember when nothing was officially confirmed by either party? Yeah, it seems like such a golden time in retrospect, doesn’t it?

Because now the only way we think we’re going to be able to get Mariah Carey to shut up about her wedding is to creep up on her in her sleep and smack her in the throat with a table leg one night. And obviously we wouldn’t want to do that because it would stop her from releasing any more mus… wait, that’s a brilliant idea.

Sadly, the law and a number of court-enforced restraining orders means that we’re not actually able to do that, so our best hope is that Mariah Carey just talks herself out soon. Hopefully it won’t be much longer – we’ve already heard about that ‘Mrs Cannon’ tattoo Mariah Carey got on her back, and now she’s also gone on Ellen to yammer about being married as well, and the woman’s only got so much breath left, surely.

In fact, Mariah Carey even went one better than just talking about being married to the least famous man on the planet – she also told Ellen that she wants him to get her pregnant as soon as possible. The Chicago Tribune reports:

Asked on Ellen Degeneres’ show whether she is thinking about having kids, she told DeGeneres, “Yeah. I mean I always said, I think we’ve actually talked about it. … It was like, ‘Would you ever think about having kids?’ and I said … If I found the right person who I felt would be on the same page as me in terms of raising kids and having the same belief system.”

Yes, it’s always good to be on the same page as the person you’re having a baby with – something you can read more about in Mariah Carey’s forthcoming book Extinguishing The Joy Out Of Pregnancy With Tiresome Middle-Management Jargon.

But good luck to Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon – if the sound of her biological clock has grown louder than the sound of her basic rational thought process, then who are we to argue? All we know is that Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon should hurry up if they want to have a baby – they have a messy, regret-filled divorce scheduled for the middle of next month, after all.

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First comes love, then comes marriage … – CT