What’s Mariah Carey for? The way all her songs sound like the Star Trek theme tune as performed by a crying toddler?

Not even close. Mariah Carey is famous for being drunk. Specifically she’s famous for rocking up to the Palm Springs International Film Festival awards blootered on so much booze that she spent five minutes annoying everyone with a gut-wrenching combination of giggling, applause and abstract free association.

So it goes without saying that the last thing Mariah Carey wants to do is to associate herself with alcohol any more than she absolutely needs to. In other news, Mariah Carey is bringing out her own brand of champagne. In other news, we think we just had an aneurysm.

Deep down, everyone wants to be Mariah Carey. Some want to be her for her boobs. Some want to be her so Eminem can write a nasty song about them. Some want to be her because it’d mean making their fortune from having a voice like a harpooned buffalo. But most people want to be Mariah Carey for the business opportunities that it presents.

Because if you were to waddle onstage before an audience of several hundred people who each hold the course of your career in the palm of their hand, and proceed to ramble on about nothing like the world’s most offensively sloshed arsebasket – breaking every now and again to silently stare off into space or to clap for no reason – then you’d probably get fired. At the very least, every single social encounter you’d have for the ensuing half-decade would be shame-filled and awkward.

Not Mariah Carey, though – she did that very same thing at this month’s Palm Springs International Film Festival awards, and she’s got her own sodding line of champagne out of it. Access Hollywood reports:

Weeks after taking the stage at the Palm Springs International Film Festival after a few “splashes” of the beverage, the star is launching her own champagne. “ANGEL CHAMPAGNE (ROSE) by MC coming soon!” she Tweeted on Friday.

What a brilliant idea. It’s slightly reminiscent of the time that Danny DeVito went on The View hammered on limoncello and then brought out his own line of limoncello right afterwards, isn’t it? Maybe this is a brand new celebrity trend – whenever someone famous embarrasses themselves in public, they immediately have to go and shill a new version of whatever it was that caused the embarrassment in the first place.

So, you know, Danny DeVito gets to flog his own line of limoncello, Mariah Carey gets to flog her own line of champagne, Paris Hilton gets to star in and distribute a whole new line of grotty sex videos, Chris Brown can bring out some branded boxing gloves and Tiger Woods can bring out, we dunno, giant barrels full of his sperm or whatever.

See? We’ve given this a lot of thought.

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