Celebrities really don’t come more pointless and stupid than Mariah Carey (CDs). Just look at her, for Christ’s sake. She’s a vacuum-packed foil-fresh bundle of dullness, a bland-as-bread ‘diva’ with an ego the size of a planetary system and a voice that sounds like a hippie riding a bike down a cobbled street.
She has, however, recently celebrated her 16th – count ’em – Number One hit in the United States. Which means that a lot of people like her. Which means that a lot of people are making young Mariah a lot of money. Which means that she can spend the aforementioned money on a lot of silly and stupid things.
Like employing an assistant whose sole job is "to keep her skirts from touching the floor."
Or paying good money for someone to constantly carry "a designer Louis Vuitton backpack filled with bottled water so Mariah never goes thirsty".
Baffling, eh?
With this in mind, hecklerspray thought you might be interested in a few more ludicrous demands from those overprivileged famous folk.
Did you know, for example, that – during the height of his fame, Michael J. Fox (DVDs) had an assistant employed solely to take care of his contact lenses?
Did you know that Elton John (CDs) insists on every dressing room he enters having a "large arrangement of coloured flowers (No Chrysanthemums, Lillies, Carnations or Daisies)"?
Did you also know that Christina Aguilera (CDs) always demands a police escort because she doesn’t want to "waste time" by sitting in traffic?
Or what about hecklerspray favourite Jennifer Lopez (CDs/DVDs), who insists that "her path must allegedly be prepared in advance with the scent of gardenia and her hotel sheets must be Egyptian cotton with a thread count of at least 250?"
Or that Leonardo Dicaprio (DVDs) demanded new clothes every day on the set of Gangs Of New York (DVD) because he threw the previous day’s away?
Or there’s always gravelly-voiced Macy Gray (CDs). Who just likes to bring a chimp on tour.
What else? Well, this is where hecklerspray would like you to get interactive. Send in your favourite stupid celebrity demands – nothing that those pesky ‘legal people’ might get annoyed about, mind – to the usual address. We’d promise you a prize, but we’d probably be lying.
Besides. Seeing your name on these glittering pages should be reward enough…
Dominik says
this is the most idiotic & ridiculous article I’ve ever read related to Maariah Carey.Who ever wrote this is a lousy journalist.It’s also evidently a jealous person,envious of Carey’s unmatched success.
Dominik
Croatia
Francois says
What a waste of journalism! Please print this article and shove it up your lousy arse! Better yet, find a better job since you’re obviously looking for attention.
Francois says
What a waste of journalism! Please print this article and shove it up your lousy arse! Better yet, find a better job since you’re obviously looking for attention.
Brandon Phillips says
This site is bullshit. How can you diss someone because they can afford to buy certain things that are seemingly useless to us? She’s at the point where she has everything she wants, and she can spend her money on a 900 dollar nail for each finger, which would total a whole damn 9000 dollars if she wants to. Hell, she could do her toes to and make it 18000. Mariah doesn’t deserve this bashing because she is successful. No one complains about Bill Gates’ high tech house. No one claims about Madonna’s making her daughter seem like she’s above the fucking world. You pick on Mariah because you’re jealous. She’s an awesome person, and she has not always been “overpriveledged.” She gives money to those less fortunate, and she also enjoys the fruits of her labor. She’s already emerged from the hell that was the Glitter period, and she doesn’t need this shit from you. Even if Mariah has stupid demands (how can they be demands if its her money and she’s paying for the shit?), at least she has a better sense of humanity than hecklerspray to not go around dissing people for no reason.
Joesus Christ says
Please allow me to apologize on behalf of Francois and Dominik.
Occasionally we let them play with the keyboard while we’re takeing a break from filming our cross-dressing Mariah-based opera “Silly Us, We Didn’t Know It Was All ProTools!”
Don’t worry, I’ll lay a hissy-fit bitch-slapdown on them presently.
– J
Joesus Christ says
Oh, and I went and forgot Brandon.
Brandon, do be a dear and please get back int he trailer and, erm, service Dominik and Francois.
Thankies!
– The Late JC
mariah says
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK
Runcie Tune says
Are you Mariah fans professional jokers? She can spend her (formerly YOUR) money on whatever she wants, of course she can. But are you seriously trying to defend the preposterousness of it all?
Wood and trees, wood and trees.
Runcie Tune
Tina says
This article is bullshit!!
Joesus Christ says
Perhaps, Tina, but your riposte is timeless in its brilliance.
– J
Jake says
Why is it always from the UK? I think the UK is just jealous because they dont have anyone as successful as Mariah who can sing the way she does.
The UK is full of unprofessional haters.
Joesus Christ says
Actually, I’m from the U.S. – and I’m a *professional* hater, especially where Pariah is concerned.
Successful? Last I checked, having an indentured career skirt-lifter in one’s employ was still a bit off-the-scale regarding ‘success’, but perhaps our barometers are different, Jake.
Now be a good boy and go worship at your priapic Mariah-shrine – scoot!
– J
Matt says
Many people like to create these types of stories about “super-divas” because they refuse to admit that their success is well-deserved. Mariah herself has stated that these over-blown claims of diva demands are hysterical.
Even so, if Mariah Carey wants to hire someone to carry water around for her, GET OVER IT. No one is going to die because of it. Every major entertainer has a small army of designers, assistants and bodyguards working for them non-stop. Mariah Carey doesn’t simply fall out of bed clad in a Versace gown and French-tipped nails. Nor does she magically have television appearances booked, tours scheduled and albums produced without the help of probably over 100 people. This shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone, especially a journalist who is supposed to be educated and knowledgeable of such “secretive” things.
Joesus Christ says
Right – well-stated, Matt, and very insightful. Too bad it doesn’t change the fact that Mariah’s still nothing but eye candy with a glass-shatteringly painful screech, innit?
Next time she falls out of bed, Versace gown or no, let’s hope the floor parts to allow her to fall, unimpeded, into the bowels of Hell, where her shrieking will finally have effectively sought out its own level.
Ooops – told the truth again. Sorry ’bout that. Get back to the fantasy, Matt.
– J
K says
Check the news and infos before you spit your hate. Obviously you copy/paste the always trash press in the UK.
Know what, mate? I had a good laugh reading your stuff, keep it coming, we don’t care, we won, Mariah has her “Sweet #1” and nobody, ya heard, nobody can’t take it away, not even you.
Joesus Christ says
What you call hate, I call truth. Yes, even me.
No need to cut and paste to say *this* – K, you’re an absolute twat.
See, I can even write, which is more than I can say for your vacuformed idol.
Oh, and K? “We” won?
*We*?
I suppose that means that you must be the stupid prat who carries your False Idol’s water bottles around.
Or are you the useless sissy who gets to life the skirts?
Do us all a favor next time, then, K – check on the Royal Plumbing and tell us whether it’s true that she got that helium-howl from having her testicles scraped off.
That’s a good lad – now run along!
– J the C
Joesus Christ says
Oh, and MIMI_OWNS_YOU – you know I couldn’t forget you, now, could I?
Your contribution to these pages is not unlike the literary equivalent of a copier machine.
But then again, your cut-and-paste paeans are probably about as close to an original thought as you’ve brushed up against in your lifetime.
So get back to ransacking the paid-for praises of your plastic princess – oooh, how alliterative of me!
– J der C
CJDavies says
Thanks for the support, J.C. You know, it’s kind of ironic how I can counteract Mimi’s reams and reams of reprinted blurb with just five simple words. Ready?
MARIAH. CAREY. IS. FUCKING. AWFUL.
And breathe …
Joesus Christ says
Thanks very much for the positive reinforcement, CJ; I’ll try to do my part to continue to stem this tide of unintentional irony.
MIMIwhatsit, perhaps you can help to clarify something for us here.
I’m intuiting that your montonous cut-and-pastes are the result of a permalink in some Carey online fanzine – correct?
If so – just nod your wobbly little head – then I’ll posit this as well.
Sadly, I’m going to have to assume that, judging from the quality of your xerox narrative, you haven’t an original thought in that cavernous deadweight that keeps your neck in place.
Secondly, I’ll suggest that you must not love your Queen all that much if all that all of you can do is plumb the bung of some underpaid hack by belching out this sewage secondhand.
If this is your best defense, then it’s pretty heavy on the feeble side.
But then I may have hit closer to the point. Perhaps your Carey-fanatic family hasn’t developed opposable thumbs to type with yet.
And perhaps you’re unable to bang on the keyboard with your prehensile toes.
More likely, though, is that you don’t have a worthwhile thing to say on this or any other subject.
You bore me…next!
– J
mariah says
blabla MAriah is #1 and she’s the greatest hehe
Joesus Christ says
Actually, she’s Nr.2 – too subtle for you?
Irksome? Tedious? Banal?
Come now, Mariah, why stop there?
– J
Akin says
you guys are cool,awesome,tight i wish you all the best peace one lovebye
varoon says
oh fuckin shut up her reslts and records speak for themselves
varoon says
oh fuckin shut up her results and records speak for themselves
job says
screech for themselves more like
penis says
Three phrases should be among the most common in our daily usage. They are: Thank you, I am grateful and I appreciate.
JAMES PALM says
SHE SUCKSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hateeee mariahhh!!!!!!!!!!!!! she is too beastly for her type of music! and by the way her perfume and ad suckssssssss it smells of shit!
meanie says
Yeah.. Her choice in men sucks too.. I look down on her now.. Can’t stand her anymore!
HateUMariah!!! says
J.C. thanks for giving a space for MC’s haters, i just wonder why MC’s lovers can have a time for opening this web and give the comment?
But i really like when you “smack down” their comment about MC….good job J.C. Two thumbs up!!!
Mariah Carey SUCKSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!