Mariah Carey: Please Go Away

Every now and again, a celebrity becomes entirely ubiquitous for a while. They are in every newspaper you read and on every TV show until even the mention of their name causes everyone in a 15-mile radius to shit and puke at the same time.

Lately, it’s been the turn of fairybrained warbler Mariah Carey. She has an album out soon, so that’s her excuse for being forcefed into our eyes and brains. And hecklerspray is sick of it.

Her album is called The Emancipation Of Mimi. Yeah, emancipation from what, exactly? From all your money? Or from a record-buying public?

The Mirror seems to think it’s the latter. They report that her comeback single, It’s Like That, has only sold 11,500 copies. They blame it on the fact that she doesn’t wear too many clothes nowadays.

We prefer the more obvious reason: that it stinks like a big dirty elephant nappy.

Mariah is known for two things. Number 1 - being a loony. Number 2
- for never singing one note when she could sing sixteen. And her new
song just doesn’t really showcase these, ahem, vocal talents. For all
anybody knows, it could be Ashanti or J.Lo or Beyonce or your Auntie Carol singing on her song.

Maybe she knows it’s a weak song. Maybe that’s why she’s so busy desperately baring her soul to anyone with a microphone.

Lately, she’s told anybody that will listen that her marriage to former Sony boss Tommy Mottola
wasn’t a physical one, and that she ran down her honeymoon beach
crying. There are even reports of her saying she wanted to be
kidnapped  because of his over-controlling personality. Oh, boo hoo hoo.

And as for the rest of her publicity, nothing is too much for her. She had a giant birthday cake made in her likeness. Her exact likeness as it appears on the cover of her new album.

And - maybe because she knows it gets her in the news - she was an
hour and a half late to her own party because she ‘broke a nail’.

All this, and she still had time in a recent MTV studio to mutter her now-infamous line "The abuse I endure is never-ending".

Is it, Mariah? Is it never-ending? Then do something about it. Like get a proper job.

Or just leave us alone. Really, Mariah, that’d do us just fine.