An apology: yesterday we said that Mariah Carey would never marry Nick Cannon because they’ve only just met and nobody’s that stupid.

We now solemnly swear to never underestimate the stupidity of another celebrity again. And that’s because Mariah Carey has got married to Nick Cannon.

According to various reports, Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon got married earlier this week in the Bahamas after knowing each other for just over a month. Nothing’s been officially confirmed by either Mariah or Nick yet, though, which sort of makes this a repeat of the Jay-Z and Beyonce wedding, if Beyonce was a bloke we’d never heard of and Jay-Z was an annoying woman who had a mental breakdown quite recently.

Mariah Carey is now bigger than Elvis, so it’s about time she grew some nuts and started acting like Elvis as well. But how? Making terrible movies? She’s already done that. Dying on the toilet with a big poo up her bum? Too difficult. Getting married to someone quite a lot younger than her? Bingo!

Although, to see this allusion through, Nick Cannon will have to outlive Mariah Carey by several years and then let crazy Argentinian prostitutes inject engine lubricant into his face, but we’ll come to that when we need to.

Anyway, forget that because the point is that 38-year-old Mariah Carey has rushed off and got married to 27-year-old Nick Cannon while everyone was still wondering if she was engaged or not. Reuters reports:

Top-selling recording artist Mariah Carey and popular rap singer and actor Nick Cannon married this week in the Bahamas, according to several media reports. The New York Post said on Thursday the pair wed in a secret ceremony in front of family and friends at Carey’s house in Eleuthera, citing a source close to Carey. Latina.com, the Web site for Latina magazine, cited a source near Cannon as saying the nuptials took place on Wednesday, and In Touch Weekly said Cannon had designed a $2.5 million ring he gave to his new bride.

It’s all been a bit of a whirlwind for Mariah Carey, really. She didn’t even know Nick Cannon until he directed the video for her single Bye Bye in late March, and to go from being strangers to being husband and wife in little over a month is incredible. Incredible or stupid. We forget which one. Oh yeah. Stupid.

And, as we mentioned yesterday, Mariah Carey must be hoping that this marriage goes better than her first one to record executive Tommy Mottola, which ended after four years with accusations of paranoia, torment and psychological abuse. But we’re positive that this marriage will be a much smoother ride for Mariah Carey, mostly because she’ll have split up with Nick Cannon long, long before he gets a chance to psychologically abuse her.

Oh, we’re only joking. Mariah Carey must have married Nick Cannon because she loves him deeply and completely, and you absolutely won’t find us joining up with the cynical ‘we give it six months’ mob.

That’s because we give it three.

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Mariah Carey marries Nick Cannon: reports - Reuters